EXCESS HOLLYWOOD: THE AFRICAN QUEEN

The news was like the shot that was heard around the world. Brad and Angelina had a baby. It was born in Africa. Who would have the first picture?

How f*****g fitting.

I’ve written about this odd couple before. Brad Pitt, talented actor and man of questionable taste. Angelina Jolie, class slut and star of bad movies. Their hook-up was the stuff of tabloids (and a great career boost for poor Jennifer Aniston). Their baby didn’t cause the same shockwaves, but people were curious to see what the most “”perfect and beautiful” baby on the planet looked like. I just find it symbolic that it was born in Africa.

Africa is a country ripped apart by famine, civil war and capitalism. While not responsible for all its problems, foreign invaders and investors (often one in the same) have had a hand in its current state of misery; Africa has always been viewed as this rich fruit tree to be plucked to death, a target of exploiters for far too many centuries.

Keeping in that bloody tradition, you got these two rich white people who had a baby there, mooching off the generosity of a government overwhelmed at having such “”important” people on its soil. “”No pictures allowed. Photographers will be arrested. We will bend over backwards to ensure the privacy and safety of these celebrities.” I imagine many disillusioned Africans believed that these two lovers would bring publicity to the country’s plight, and they did, but I’ve got news for these suckers. Americans have short memories and don’t really care about the problems happening in what is looked at as a “”black” country that doesn’t have much to offer the average American citizen other than memories of “”We Are the World.” Sure, we’ll lament about how bad the poverty is, and we’ll be disgusted by footage of a fly on a child’s face as he eats food even our homeless wouldn’t touch, but all we really care about is Brad and Angelina’s baby. We want to see the photos. We want to be assured it’s white.

If I were an official in the town these two idiots and their children were staying in, I’d kick them right the hell out. Just the presence of the press would be enough for me to send them into exile. I’d do it because I know what happens when white people come to Africa. It’s never very good (just ask the father whose son is being adopted by Madonna). I also know how many stars are about their pet causes. They usually abandon them once something more interesting comes up. That’s kind of been the history of Africa, too.

Used, abused and forgotten … except when something can be gained by it.

Brad and Angelina found the perfect place to give birth. They could pretend to be caring while exploiting the kindness of starstruck officials. They could feel good about themselves while remaining relatively private, yet still in the spotlight. They may have actually done some good, too, but it was by default.

As far as I’m concerned, these two celebrities have no integrity, and I don’t trust them at all. I used to actually like Brad Pitt as an actor, but his personal judgment is obviously mired by some kind of clandestine brain damage. It’s the only thing that can explain his actions as of late. Angelina Jolie? She never did anything for me. Their kid? Who cares.

Africans, if you want to fix your country you can start by making sure celebrities stay the hell away. Sure, you may lose some money, but you’ll gain respect, something your country desperately needs. When Hollywood’s elite knock on your door, send them back to America and decline all future visits. They are famine, drought and plague all rolled into one. They are war and cannibalistic capitalism. Think about it. They are the ultimate foreign invaders, and they are behind your gates. Hasn’t South Africa taught you anything?