Film Threat archive logo


By Michael Ferraro | June 8, 2006

*Today’s wonderful illustration contains violence for the children!*

Texas Chainsaw.jpg

I was probably 10 years old when I saw the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was terrified. The last shot of Leatherface bumbling around the street with his chainsaw as the girl gets away in the dirty pick-up truck haunted me, because the movie ends without his capture or murder. In my world, Leatherface was still alive, and he was coming to get me.

But that son of a bitch never got me.

I was about 8 years old when I first saw Pet Semetary. The movie wasn’t really scary to me. Sure, that dude who got hit by the truck and had his brains all flopping about whenever he showed up creeped me out, but it didn’t scare me. Nothing about that movie scared me actually. Well, almost nothing.

There is a scene in that film where Rachel Creed (played by Denise Crosby) tells a story about her sister Zelda (played a dude named Andrew Hubatsek). All seems normal, though her sister has some sort of muscular disease and she is confined to a bed, where she rolls around in her dirty nightgown saying weird things. I started to get a little more than freaked out at this point. Then, much later in the film, when Rachel is looking for her dead/newly alive son, Zelda pops back up. I’ll never forget it. She begins in the corner of the room, then notices Rachel. She hobbles over towards her and says, repeatidly, “Never get out of bed again!”

Unholy God, was I terrified. For a month or two, I slept on my back and opened my eyes every hour on the hour. I think I was in third grade at the time, and even my teacher, Mrs. Tosto, noticed I must have been having problems sleeping because I had bags under my eyes.

I re-watched that movie a couple of years ago. I have no idea what the hell (suck it CleanFlicks) scared me about Zelda. I guess that just goes to show the stupidity of childhood, an era I’m glad is over and one in which I hope to never have to suffer through again.

I must watch the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre at least twice a year. Still, by most accounts, a pretty terrifying watch. The remake however, is a completely different story. It’s more atrocious than most films I have seen, including (but not limited to) xXx: State of the Union and Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

A few days ago, those kind demons at New Line posted a trailer for a new Texas…, a “prequel” they call it. You can view the trailer here (between the hours of 10pm and 4am of course): great marketing technique by the way.

Hopefully you noticed the sarcasm.

Where was I going with this post? I really have no idea. Oh yeah, I got it. When you are able to see that trailer, you may notice something – it looks just as terrible as the remake from 2003. And poor Jordana Brewster. How I love her so. And though her career hasn’t exactly flourished like it should have (probably because of the first Fast and the Furious… if only she was in the second) but this film probably won’t do anything to better it.

I’m sorry Jordana. At least you got a sweet check out of the deal (I hope so anyway).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. stina says:

    Jordana Brewster, Demi Moore, and Camilla Belle look like they could be siblins.

    was DEBs entertaining at all?

  2. Felix says:

    Great blog, Mike. The remake was horrible, and this will be too. It’s a shame many other lemmings are going to flock to see it opening day with their slack jaws boasting about how hot Brewster is. She IS hot, but I wonder if people think about her acting.

  3. Michael Ferraro says:

    Zelda should be illegal.

    By the way, what do you think of the new Film Threat slogan?

  4. Mark Bell says:

    Zelda was by far the scariest part of Pet Semetary, and I routinely tried to skip her scenes. I think it’s the fear of getting old, coupled with a side helping of crazy and then an overabundance of… well, she didn’t seem sickly, she seemed f*****g EVIL…

Join our Film Threat Newsletter

Newsletter Icon