I guess one of my claims to fame among friends of mine is that I am the proud owner of virtually every rare piece of video related to Star Wars. Parody movies, documentaries, behind the scenes making-ofs, foreign laserdiscs, video CDs, fan films, bootleg tapes, rare television appearances, lost footage — I have it all in my collection. In the world of porn, Star Wars parodies, satires, tribute films, or whatever you want to call them, have been completely absent. That is, until now. “Star W****s: The Phantom Anus” finally comes to DVD. And it’s sad because most of the audience, you know, current Star Wars fans, probably wouldn’t even frequent a store where this title might be available. Well, I don’t either, but I discovered the thing online and just had to take a look.
Like Episode II, “Phantom Anus” is a completely digitally shot film, but that is where the similarities end. The full 90 minutes of this, well, I shudder to even call it a “film” contains wall to wall hardcore sex. I mean, they put things in places that things just don’t normally go. At least, in a Star Wars film. Know what I mean? (But, what can I expect from a film with a sub-title that includes the word “Anus.”) I don’t recognize any of the actors from “Anus” except for Jasmin St. Claire and only because she appeared in the documentary Sex: The Annabel Chong Story. Her claim to fame is that she beat Chong’s old record of being the center of a gang bang featuring over 300 men. St. Claire is the biggest “star” to appear in “Anus” and the other actresses are not even worth mentioning.
I guess my expectations for “Phantom Anus” were a bit high, considering this was really the first attempt to combine the sweeping sci-fi fantasy epic that inspired a generation with porn. The result is a disappointment. There is virtually no effort made on the part of the filmmakers to bring any element of Star Wars into the action. Not in the costumes. Not in the special effects department. Not in the names of the characters. Nothing. At least “Sex Trek: The Next Penetration” had a few fancy costumes and was set in outer space. Where’s Princess Laid-Up, Quiff-Cum Gin, Anal-kin Skyfucker or Queen Anal-dala? I’m sure some other porn filmmaker could easily come along and create a much better “adults only” Star Wars film, but “Phantom Anus” is just not it.
The “action” in this film consists of pure sex and very little dialog. The “acting” is non-existent with a few badly delivered lines of dialog. The “musical score” isn’t much to speak of, my main complaint would be that it’s also very repetitive. The “special effects”? There are none.
Ultimately, what does anal sex have to do with Star Wars anyway? This is just a compilation of hardcore sex scenes that was slapped together and given a flashy title and box design that would attract an uninformed consumer like myself. Don’t be fooled. This is low rent porn and you should not waste your time.