What do you get when you cross a t******e-less ex-soldier with a foxy recovering sex-aholic? You know, I really wish I had an answer that was as good as that set-up, but I don’t. Instead, I’ll just say that what you get is the titular crack team of investigators who are the protagonists of director Tom J. Moose’s screwball sex-farce, “SSI: Sex Squad Investigators.”

And for the record, I DID just get to use the words “titular,” “crack” and “sex” all in the same sentence, so that should score me SOME style points.

In any event, Det. John Honeysuckle (John Fedele), er, “heads” up the effort to track down Charlotte Weaver (Angelina Havusinner), a saucy serial seductress whose MO it is to seduce beautiful celebrities, and then release videos of these encounters in order to embarrass her unsuspecting victims.

It all seems like harmless tabloid fodder…until Honeysuckle and his rookie partner, Officer Katrina Lightbody (AJ Khan), discover that the next target on Charlotte’s seduction hit list is none other than Jessica Shrub (Natalie Heck), the lithe but trampy bad-girl daughter of President Shrub (Frank Bowdler). Considering that her pop, who isn’t exactly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree to begin with, is running for re-election as a family values conservative, Jessica’s antics could pose quite a problem if she were to be, um, exposed.

Will Officer Lightbody relapse into uncontrollable bouts of lesbian lust? Will Det. Honeysuckle enjoy watching if she does, given that, you know, he has no ‘nads? And will they be able to foil the fiendish plot to embarrass the prez on the eve of his election?

To be honest, the answers to those questions aren’t really all that important. Nobody is going to rent or buy a copy of “SSI” expecting the same dramatic “oomph” as in, say, an “All The President’s Men.” All a viewer can ask of a plot in a Seduction Cinema sex-ploitation flick like this one is what Chicago Bears fans ask of their quarterback: neither has to win the game. Just don’t lose it, (i.e. don’t mess up the sexy stuff).

To that end, “SSI” is a mixed bag. The eroticism is almost as campy as the humor, which has the odd effect of making “SSI” better as a broad comic satire, and not as effective as pure titillation. The film is a little talky, especially when it comes to revealing Honeysuckle and Lightbody’s respective back stories, and the sophomoric slapstick humor might not be for everyone.

Still, the production values are surprisingly decent, the women are yummy, and you’re guaranteed a chuckle or two along the way.

More fun than watching “CSI” naked with a friend, if nothing else, “SSI: Sex Squad Investigators” makes for a goofy and harmless way to pass a long winter’s night.

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