Hey folks! There are even EXTRAS on this tape! Well, golly-gosh holy s**t! That rocks! The video opens with a test pattern! An honest-to-god test pattern! Hold me back! I’m getting a little tingly, you-know-where …
Okay, actually, I wanted to eat a bullet while watching this and my editor said to be diplomatic and save the one star ratings for the real drek that crosses my path – Well, here it is. All 19.5 minutes of it! Complete with EXTRAS! Did I mention that? Just who is Peter Kirby and why does he hate the human race so much, that he keeps churning out these goddamn videos?!?
“Gleaming the Cube” had more action-packed skating going on than this film ever could have … and even better, there is no one named ‘Buffmeister’ in the Christian Slater flick. This is the sequel to the original “Skating & Things,” and I have a sneaky suspicion that this was for some class in high school, and man, would I love to see the look on that instructor’s face when this pile of poo crossed his/her desk. I will admit though, that I also filmed work like this once – when I was in 9th grade – and I thought people like this were actually interesting.
Okay, I’m back – I had to go and take a drink, so I could finish this review. Rogan, my collaborator, tells me that Peter Kirby is NOT in high school. That in fact, he is older than both of us. If this is so, then there is absolutely no excuse why this film is as shoddy and insipid as it is. And hello? I can’t even hear the dialogue and the music is even more agonizing than the editing this time around. Truly, the worst editing this side of the Milky Way.
Get this – at one point, the camera is pointed directly towards someone throwing a huge crate at a moving bus – a public bus, you know, the kind that carry people, the kind of people that might be hurt by things hitting them. We spell that i-l-l-e-g-a-l, kids. And we can see the little villain’s face. After that scene, I actually grew more pissed with each passing second, so pissed that I bet that bulgy vein I have is popping out right in the middle of my forehead.
If you’re going to send a video to Film Threat, my best advice would be to at least ATTEMPT to make it look vaguely professional. Even a vague shot is appreciated. Interesting is also good, but I’ll take just vaguely professional, if I have to. So, I could go on for several more paragraphs and poke some really witty fun at this one, but my heart just isn’t in it and this video isn’t even worth it.