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By Jeremy Knox | October 18, 2007

David Lynch is a man of habit and routine. He likes things jusssssst so. That’s why he forces you to watch his movies from the beginning, without the usual privilege of chapter breaks. Because otherwise you’d be doing it wrong. And wrong is no way to watch a movie.

Gotta do it right; or not at all.

So I’ve decided that in order to watch INLAND EMPIRE in the waking world, it has to be done in the perfect way. I’ve allowed my mind to roam in Lynch’s thought patterns while I sleep, so it’s only fair that I allow myself to be a little bit more like Lynch when I’m awake.


How to make the perfect David Lynch coffee.

First, we must select an appropriate cup. Not just anything will do. Look at this picture for example.







None of these works, the one on the left is the type hideous s**t your grandma drinks out of. The one next to it is only good for tea or Irish Coffee. The blue one is okay for your regular morning cup of joe, but wrong for our purposes. And the one on the far right is acceptable”¦ but I don’t like the little ridges on it and its too tall and cheap looking.

So let’s take a look at more classical designs:


Much better than the first four, nice simple designs without any pictures on the side ruining their looks. However the cup on the right is all wrong. It’s f*****g HUGE. Half a gallon of coffee would barely make it to the rim. It’s like something out of a bad 1990’s faux-hipster trendy coffee place like in “”Friends”. Thus, even though it’s got the look, it’s still not a proper traditional coffee cup. Due to it gigantinourmous size, it doesn’t have history and tradition behind it.

The one on the left, however, is perfect.


This is what people used to drink coffee out of before everyone became caffeine junkies needing their morning tweek.

Onto the making of the coffee.

While reciting a Tibetan Buddhist mantra such as “”Om vajrapani hum” use a measuring spoon and knife to carefully meter out 1 tablespoon of ground coffee for every cup of water used. Since I’m making a few small cups, I’m using about 4 tablespoons/4cups of water.








Hum meaningfully as it percolates.


Once it’s ready, remove the filter and used grounds, they give the coffee a nasty bitter aftertaste if they stay too close to the pot.








Pour while dancing to a jazzy tune.








Add two teaspoons of sugar per cup. You can also add cream, but only if you want to ruin the perfect midnight coloring of this perfect coffee.


Lastly, Enjoy.



How to make the perfect Twin Peaks Cherry Pie.

First, lay out your major items and ingredients in a perfect slanted line. These will include: (1) One hunk of pre-made pie dough. (1) One can of cherry pie filling. (1) One Pie dish.









You will also need: (1) One small knife. (1) Pastry brush. (1) One small cup of flour and (1) Rolling pin.


Before you even start, preheat the oven to 425 degrees.









We begin by making a perfect and circular moon shape with the small cup of flour. Then, toss your pre-made pie dough in the center. You’ll need a chunk about as big as your hand. (NOTE: I favor pre-made dough simply because pie dough is a bitch to get just right and if you get it wrong it’s either too hard to roll flat or too gooey.) Separate about ¾ of the chunk away and flatten it with a rolling pin into the most circular shape you can, following the pattern of the moon. Thick is better than thin btw, better too much crust than not enough. Besides, filling has a way of seeping through too-thin crust.


Once the dough round-ish, you toss that in the pie plate and hack off the sides with a knife.


Then take your cherry pie filling and carefully pour it into the pie. Place it aside.







Now get the last ¼ of the dough and roll that into a circle as well. Place it on top of the pie (this is a bit tricky because the pie filling sticks to it) and cut away the extra bits.




Now press down on the edge to give it that Grandma made pinched look.




Then cut three slats in the exact center of the pie, with the middle slat being longer than the two others. Use a ruler if necessary.




Baste with an egg wash. (NOTE: Most egg washes are overly fancy and use egg white only or egg yolk only or add s**t like water and milk. I just beat an egg firmly and just baste the pie with that. Nice and simple.)







After that, place pie in over and bake at 425 for 10 minutes. Then, lower heat to 350 and bake for 25-35 minutes or until golden brown. (NOTE: Not charred black)


In the end things should look like this:




Not this. This would be incorrect. Funny, but incorrect.




Once pie is perfectly baked, place by the window so that it may be wind kissed properly and once it’s cooled, cut into 4 separate pieces and enjoy.




Okay”¦ now I’m ready to watch INLAND EMPIRE.

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  1. Don Lewis says:

    Dude, you really need to stop falling asleep watching this movie. I feel like we’re all having a hand in your slow descent into madness.

    That being said, I got my copy of INLAND EMPIRE and a nice can of coffee earlier this week. The coffee is really, really good! I like the movie too, but haven’t watched it in the safety of my own home.

  2. Felix Vasquez Jr. says:

    Knox, I love your dedication to this experiment.

  3. Jeremy Knox says:

    It did! Am uploading a 4 page review as we speak.

  4. Mark Bell says:

    I really hope that the movie is worth all the dream experiments, coffee and other Lynch-ian madness you’ve been putting yourself through…

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