This shot-on-video feature just goes to prove that I’m not the marrying type. I got bored watching the same four or five chicks get naked over and over again over a 90-minute time period. So, seeing only one chick get naked for my entire life just wouldn’t work for me.
I don’t need to go over the story with you. This is a parody of “Planet of the Apes,” and it carries on like the classic film, in its most BASIC form, with a large helping of dull lesbian sex scenes and bad jokes.
You know you’re watching bad softcore porn (and let’s not kid ourselves because this is what Seduction Cinema fare is) when you wish that everyone would stop screwing so that you can get back to the story, which is far more interesting. This is saying a lot because, even though it’s based on “Planet of the Apes,” it’s just about as boner-wilting an experience as the so-called erotic scenes. As with all of Seduction Cinema treats, I’m left to recall how much more entertaining Skinemax films are. John Bacchus and friends just don’t have what it takes to get the steam going. I tend to think that people who have never had a naked person directly in front of them may feel compelled to touch their swimming suit areas while watching “Play-Mate of the Apes,” but for everyone else, forget about it.
Despite the lame opening dry-hump scene, I actually thought that I was going to have a few laughs. Well, I was right about that one, as the laugh tally remained a slim few within the first ten minutes of the feature. After that, a whole helluva lot more dry-humps, rotten jokes and numerous musical numbers, including one that lasts fifteen minutes and another that involves rapping by Misty Mundæ, Debbie Rochon and Shelby Taylor, and it’s every bit as horrible as you can imagine. I understand that the rap scene is supposed to be a goof, but it comes off more like nails across a chalkboard. I feel bad for the girls who had to partake because, as the behind-the-scenes footage shows, they weren’t really ready to do something so godawful stupid.
It appears to me that Seduction Cinema is trying to be what Troma is, but failing miserably. Troma, as sick and twisted as those f*****s are, have way more class than anybody in the Seduction Cinema camp. Troma has their own style, a marvelous sense of humor and they also truly look out for independent cinema. Seduction Cinema has a video camera and a bunch of naked models. Poop burger.
If I had to say something positive about “Play-Mate of the Apes” to save my life, it would be that the ape make-up actually looks just as good as the original film and the ending is far better than the one in Burton’s remake. So, there you go.
The Extras
Extras? And so many of them? This is like putting a dress on a pig.
-Not one, but two trailers for “Play-Mate of the Apes” because the difference between the two is so astonishing that they both needed to be included. This is, after all, the “Collector’s Edition DVD.”
-Interviews with Misty Mundæ, Debbie Rochon, Darian Caine, Anoushka and Sharon Engert — funny thing about this is that you get to see how some of them take this feature so seriously.
-Behind-the-Scenes Footage — here’s where you get to glimpse the talent that is John Bacchus as his cast questions what the hell is going on. Funniest part of this segment is when Misty Mundæ reveals that she hasn’t seen the film in its entirety, but in fact that she’s only seen the trailer and it looks good to her. You bet your a*s that it looks good because you didn’t have to sit through 90 f*****g minutes of bullshit! Confidentially, neither did I. I just happened to be in the same room as the bullshit was going on.
-A horrible music video called “Hey, We’re the Humans.” Yes, it’s a play on the old Monkees song and the video features footage from the film, like you hadn’t seen enough from watching the damn feature.
-Trailers of other Seduction Cinema gems.
Erick