Film Threat contributor John Berado shares his favorite holiday season films that may, or may not, actually exist…
“Yuletide with Count Dracula,” (Hungary 2003)
Much feasting and sumptuous leakage, as 3 Wise Men try to avoid becoming vampires….. only to have a heart-pumping reunion with a holiday parking attendant (Burnt Smolt). The sweet, sensitive ending, where a suicide is encouraged, helps children fall asleep before the Big Day (not Christmas—Albino Independence Day) and wake up with scars that can’t be shrugged off. Ned Beatty as a pound cake thief adds a touch of class to this seasonal boiler.
“Sleigh-ride at 12 O’Clock High,” (USA 1943)
A delightful wartime propaganda flick for the homefront. Before the big Holiday raid, the Air Force is grounded because of too much chowder. Santa and his famous reindeer are asked to guide more than 3000 B-29s over the target. For the next two hours, we are cheered at the sight of exploding bombs and destroyed homes, each with it’s own little holiday display shimmering. Over 22,000 fatalities later, Jolly St. Nick and General Zygote (Jack Nicholson) share a warm juicy nightcap, fingering their new medals (and tongues). Only 4 reindeer were shot down.
“Kris Kringle Vs. The Chimney Hookers,” (Las Vegas 1776)
This film answers the question: How does Santa’s sleigh back-up? Also, more importantly…..does Santa Claus even speak English? The answers will surprise you (but not the person next to you). Great songs by Civil War Re-Enactors push each scene forward into your nose/forehead. Holiday ice skating and fish-skinning finish off this lengthy bit of kitsch with just the right amount of doggerel. Trivia: this film was the basis for the NBC Nightly News and also The Dating Game.
“Racist Egg Nog,” (Georgia 2004)
A criminal holiday spread goes haywire when the border guards arrive, diluting everyone’s favorite seasonal drink with a yellow substance. Told from the Ku Klux Klan point of view, this pleasant holiday fare is extremely engaging, with only occasional violence/foul language–and these only in the Vatican scenes. Filmed tastefully, with no after-taste. Side note: no one was ever caught stealing this movie, even when left unattended.
“Christmas Tree Lynching,” (Northwest Passage 1966)
Sad but true tale of the most wonderful holiday practice yet developed. The set designer made sure beautiful candles, angels and tinsel complimented the delicate, swinging corpses. Jimmy Stewart has no scenes, but his voice is overdubbed by locusts. Awarded as the Best Film to Promote Assassinations by the Columbian government.
“Big Sack on the Fat Man,” (Mexico 2003)
Technical documentary of how Xmas gifts/presents are stowed, with exploded views, and stress tests of Santas large carrying pouch….. the definitive work on this hot topic. It turns out that it’s almost impossible to carry 55 million gifts in one vehicle….so most everything get broken and rotted. But this story reveals how Santa’s bowels DO play a part in all this….a most shameful part. Shot in vibrant color (just the top half) with no audio and no additives.
“Christmas at the Amphibian Chamber,” (USDA 2001)
Santa runs out of toys so he simply spits into chimneys, delighting thirsty kids, but causing Al Queda thugs to hijack his sleigh. The collision course with the National Pizza Memorial is averted when the bad guys decide to order out. The script called for burlesque songs but luckily the director had an ear infection, so he stuck with the Buddhist chanting. This film, for some reason, is only shown in mid-January.
“Graveyard of Elves,” (USSR 1951)
The warm holiday memories of Josef Stalin and his family. Plus added scenes of beautiful carols during festive purges, alongside piles of decorated bones. No intermission for the first eleven rows—a bucket can be passed if necessary. Soundtrack by the Inglewood Police Department.
“Fatal Ornaments II,” (Egypt 1987)
Ancient mummies attempt to unwrap their gifts but only succeed in peeling off their own bandages. A lot of salve was used in this production, and a brief cameo by Buggah Manflipper (a real-life department store Santa accused of treason). Such a beautiful miracle of a story that all the profits ($135,670) were swallowed by Koi fish.
“Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve x 150,” (Pacific Ocean Floor 2003)
“Joy to the Moon!” (Mexico 2003)
An imaginary Christmas Day on the moons jagged surface implies that perhaps there are better places to party—especially on the dark side. No one really does anything festive, since oxygen is missing. This joyous message, however, is diluted simply because of TOO softcore sex scenes. This problem should be remedied in the remake, starring Ron Jeremy or Huell Howser (whomever is home).
“Pimp My Nativity Scene,” (Norway 2005)
Typical, conventional film for kids, with only one annoying sequence: air-holes are never punched in the presents containing mostly cute puppies. Dads will love it, but Moms will consult abortionists. Every famous insect gets the holiday treatment by director Spoon Eyes. Atheists have picketed and protested against this film for years, only to end up buying tickets anyway.