I am officially starting a new charity. I’m going to begin collect money from people to build a legion of publicists to prevent us from having to look at pregnant celebrities.
I’m officially in the mindset that if a female celebrity is pregnant, that they should be kept from the public for a little while, not only because it’s kind of annoying, but it completely ruins the illusion. Misogynistic? Sexist? You decide. But hear me out here.
Certain celebrities are more like fantasies for young men of my age, and having to look at them with a big stomach, really ruins the fantasies, I have to say.
I am completely in love with Rachel Weisz, especially the Weisz in “The Shape of Things,” the cold calculating but utterly hot bitch who fucks over Paul Rudd. And three times I’ve had to be subjected to her pregnant self. Suffice it to say the sexual fantasy fades away.
The most egregious offense happened to be with Maggie Gyllenhaal. I won’t voice my sheer utter hatred at Peter Sarsgard for knocking my girl up, not here. I admire the man as an actor but if I ever saw him I’d have to slam a chair over his head.
Maggie Gyllenhaal is a sensuous and rather good looking woman, and she maintained that image for years with me. Whether as the flirtatious student in “Mona Lisa Smile,” the hot trailer trash blonde in “Sherrybaby,” the Goth babysitter in “Monster House,” and as the subservient secretary in “Secretary” being disciplined, she’s pretty much a staple of the whole sexual canon.
And I had to be subjected to her in “The Daily Show” boasting about her pregnancy. Granted, I’m happy she’s happy about having a baby, and congratulations, but it’s hard to look at her sexually when she’s talking about gaining weight and staggering onto the stage.
She’s no longer a sexual image, but a mother. That’s kind of gross.
I also had to watch Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Hudson, and soon Bryce Dallas Howard wobble onto talk show seats to go on with boring banter about expecting, and child birth, and their love for kids, and then to watch the talk show host pretend to be excited for them? It’s f*****g boring.
When a celebrity discovers they’re pregnant, their publicists should really keep them out of the public eye, or at best lock them up somewhere until the baby is born. I know publicists influence pregnant actresses to go out on talk shows because it shows the public how human they are, yadda yadda, but what about the fans who view them as pipe dreams?
I want to continue lusting for Maggie Gyllenhaal, don’t subject us to her as a preggo. It’s not fair to us. Won’t someone think about us for once?! How can I be expected to rub one out when preggo Maggie won’t leave my mind?! It’s cruel, man!
So, either they’re going to have to do something about the preggos, or I’m going to have to stop watching “”Conan” and “”The Daily Show.” I think you know who will have to buckle under the pressure, Hollywood.
And Peter Sarsgard, I’m going to get you, you m**********r. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, and I don’t know of what capacity, but I’ll get you. How dare you knock up my honey. Being married to her is no excuse.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are not those of Film Threat, or any of its male writers, however, if you ask them, I’m sure they can shed some thoughts and tell you some neato stories, so please, no flames from the women folk.