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By Chris Gore | September 22, 2006

Hey Gang-

If you are curious as to why I believe that Jackass Number Two is a movie milestone, check out my latest Footage Fetishes column on Suicide Girls.

And, if you’re like me and you love Jackass, check out Film Threat’s Pete Vonder Haar’s five-star review of Jackass Number Two. Pete is one of the few movie critics who actually gets it. I love Pete.

As a lover of all things Jackassy, then you would probably also love the Darwin Awards. The geniuses who compile these “awards” definitely have a similar twisted sense of humor as Knoxville and his co-horts. These are awards given to, well, I’m not actually sure if they are given to anyone, since the recipients are generally deceased. Anyway, these awards are presented to those who have died in unusually stupid ways. Which, I suspect will be the fate for all the members of the Jackass crew at some point. I only hope they capture that moment on video.

Anyway, for your amusement, I offer to you…

The 2006 Darwin Awards
The Darwin Awards are an annual honor given to the people who improve the overall human gene pool by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

The nominees for 2006, in reverse order, are…

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2″ tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12″ long and 3″ in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family “very awkward”.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,” Carmichael said. Police said the apparent cause of death was, “Major trauma.”

3. A man in Alabama died from a rattlesnake bite. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition: lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’ by his peers.

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, one Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his s*****m in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s s*****m in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the s*****m was the weakest link. Sanchez’s s*****m was ripped open during the fall, and one t******e was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other t******e was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery… The remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

NOTE: This last one wouldn’t normally qualify for the Darwins, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he now cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

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  1. gigi says:

    I loved that you said “Jackassy.”
    Yay 🙂

    I dig the Darwins!

  2. Jim H says:

    Um chris, you really should check your snopes before printing urban myths… that one has been around for several years. Only one of the items actually made it into the Darwin Awards proper.

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