Anna Nicole Smith’s final “movie,” “Illegal Aliens,” is billed as a send-up of “Charlie’s Angels” and “Men in Black,” but unsurprisingly bears more resemblance to something that would premiere Saturday afternoon on the Sci-Fi Channel. And in retrospect, it’s unfair that this gets a DVD release and similar quality fare like “Deadly Swarm” doesn’t.
Credit the presence of deceased hose beast Smith for that development. The premise…jesus…the premise is that three shapeshifting aliens descended to Earth in the late ’80s to protect us from the myriad of extraterrestrials who wish us harm. Taking the form of three “hot babes” (well, two hot babes and one desiccated Lorazepam addict), two of the aliens – Cameron (Lenise Sorén) and Drew (Gladys Jimenez) – obtain jobs as stunt coordinators in the movie industry, and the third (Lucy) gets her own reality show, which for some reason isn’t named after her (though it’s a fine way for the producers to use old “Anna Nicole Show” footage).
A few years later, a different alien arrives. Sagely deciding that the face of evil on this planet is best personified by Joanie “Chyna Doll” Laurer (caulked in enough make-up to almost make her look female), the evil alien Rex begins assembling some sort of doomsday weapon which I guess will threaten both Earth and the aliens’ home planet.
Of course, the aliens’ back-story has to be explained to us over the sounds of Lucy urinating and farting off-screen, merely some of the hilariously scatological behavior Lucy subjects her comrades to (the best line: “Why’s my poopie hole sore?”). One really has to question how much these particular aliens want to protect us. Sure, they send two reasonably competent combatants, but Lucy is roughly as useful as a six-year old, and a mildly retarded one at that.
All bullshit aside, it’s unlikely “Illegal Aliens” would’ve even received a DVD release had not its star Belushied earlier this year. It’s being promoted as “Anna Nicole’s final movie” in a naked attempt to keep the media circle jerk merrily stroking for a few more weeks, though if anything it’s a testament to the extent of her dementia that she’d even want something as grotesquely unflattering as “Illegal Aliens” released at all. The acting runs the gamut from “late night Cinemax” to “Scarlett Johansson,” and the special effects would look right at home in Tom Baker-era “Doctor Who.”
The high point, if you can call it that, is the climactic wrestling match between Smith and Laurer, which – until the battle is joined by Sorén – is more reminiscent of “War of the Gargantuas” than “Wild Things.” Come to think of it, the movie had no nudity whatsoever. I can’t speak to the topless experience of the other two female leads, but Smith has flaunted her artificial assets enough times one would think it second nature at this point.
Then again, in the case of Laurer we should probably count our blessings.
If nothing else, the miserable “Illegal Aliens” should put to rest all those annoying parallels drawn between Smith and Marilyn Monroe. Granted, Monroe wasn’t exactly a Rhodes Scholar, and nobody hired her because she could out-emote Katharine Hepburn, but she did have some acting ability, and compared to Smith she was Madeline Albright. “Illegal Aliens” is a fittingly crappy epitaph for a person who milked her 15 minutes longer than any of us could have guessed or wanted.
