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By Mark Bell | September 16, 2008

I want to note that there is both a screening of “Donkey Punch” and a party celebrating “Donkey Punch” on this day. I also want to note that “Donkey Punch” was a piece of s**t, and not worth your time (consider it a bad joke with a title for a punchline). That said, here’s my picks for what might be a better time…

12pm, “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes: The Unseen Cut”
I’m not necessarily the world’s biggest “Planet of the Apes” fan, but I’d be pretty damn curious as to what this is all about for sure.

2:15pm, “Left Bank”

I’ve got a soft spot for haunted house stories, or even “Wicker Man” style communities gone awry, so I’m definitely interested in this film. Plus, the fact that there’s copious sex and nudity can make for a good start to the afternoon.

4:20pm, “The Chaser”

An ex-cop turned pimp finds his way back to crimefighting to stop a serial killer with a call girl fetish in “The Chaser,” and that’s enough of a gear shift from the more horror and fantastical elements of the day to make this the perfect pre-dinner flick.

6:30pm, “Let the Right One In”

I was informed shortly after this played the Fantasia Festival that I absolutely had to see it. And, I still haven’t had the opportunity so I am insanely jealous of anyone who will get to live that dream in my place.

9:40pm, “Seventh Moon”

“The Blair Witch Project” co-director Eduardo Sanchez is back in action with this flick about a couple stuck in China during the Hungry Ghost Festival, an event that may be more real than simply ceremonial. Now, say what you will about “The Blair Witch Project,” but I still think it was one creepy a*s flick that utilized your imagination more than production values. If this film comes close to that level of subtle horror with an actual budget and actors then it could be a home run.

11:59pm, “Chocolate”

The director of “Ong Bak” is back, and what better way to end your evening than with an autistic heroine kicking a*s Muay Thai style.

The day starts off rough, mainly in that the first film is not what one would consider a relaxing affair (or so I’ve been told). Still, watching challenging cinema is what this job is all about, so I’d welcome it with open arms…

1:30pm, “Late Bloomer”

This tale of a severely disabled mute gone mad has been compared to Crispin Glover’s “It is Fine! Everything is Fine,” and for that reason alone I’m willing to watch it. I may not order any food, though. I am very sensitive, you know.

4:30pm, Best of Bloodshots 2008
Couple the insanity of a 48 hour short filmmaking contest with genre films and you’ve got Bloodshots. I love short filmmaking contests, mainly because I love seeing what filmmakers are able to do with no time and no money, and you can really see some great talents beginning to blossom at these events.

6:55pm, “Tokyo!”
This film is actually comprised of three short films about Tokyo, directed by the likes of Michel Gondry, Bong Joon-Ho and Leos Carax. I’m always intrigued by what Gondry is up to, and I’ve never been to Tokyo so…

9:30pm, “The Burrowers”

At first reading of the synopsis I thought, “this sounds just like ‘Tremors.'” Then I remembered how much fun “Tremors” was and… well, something that sounds like it can’t be all that bad, right? Right?

11:30pm, Fantastic Feud
Everytime I’ve run into Scott Weinberg over the last year, he’s told me what a great time this trivia event is, and that I must attend. And I’m missing out again. For true genre film buffs.

Despite the awards being given out, this is not the final day of the festival. Perhaps this whole mid-fest awards thing is an Austin trait (SXSW goes on long after you’ve thought it ended too)…

2pm, “Ex Drummer”

When I first heard the title of this film, I hoped it was the strange, mystical tale of what happened to all the Spinal Tap drummers who spontaneously combusted in a puff of green smoke. While this film is nothing like that, it still intrigues me…

4:40pm, “I Think We’re Alone Now”

I was always more of a Debbie Gibson fan myself, but this documentary about folks obsessed with popstar Tiffany is just too creepy odd to pass up. I miss the 80s. Or rather, I miss being a kid in the 80s. Okay, I just miss being a kid.

6:45pm, “Santos”

Comic book nerds as super heroes!?! Why hasn’t this been done before? Hopefully the film is able to live up to all the expectations I’ve already imagined for it.

9:15pm, Fantastic Fest Awards Ceremony
Generally I’m not a fan of awards, but at the Alamo Drafthouse, among friends and filmmakers, I think I’d be pretty comfortable. Plus, Film Threat founder Chris Gore is one of the jury members this year, so I’d attend just to make fun of him in public… again…

11:30pm, “Deadgirl”
Everyone I’ve talked to who has seen this film has said nothing but good things, so it’s on my list, Fantastic Fest or no, to see in 2008. So go see it first, and then brag about it and make me feel sad. A*****e.

11:59pm, 100 Best Kills Party
Got to find your way to the party, right? Could call this an early evening after “Deadgirl,” but why not hang out a bit longer, especially considering Tuesday’s schedule…

Get the rest of Mark’s proposed schedule in Part Three of If I Was There: Fantastic Fest 2008 Preview>>>

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