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By Mark Bell | October 6, 2006

There was a time when the word “celebrity” meant something. A time when you had to achieve something great in the world in order for someone to look up to you and care what you had to say. Celebrities were the kings and queens of our modern times.

Nowadays, celebrity status is easy to come by. You could be the son or daughter of a rich person, you could get your nuts caught in a vise while your friend videotapes it, you could whine on a webcam or you could be a washed-up former child star. You could be anybody and be called a “celebrity.” Which brings us to the subject of this article.

When word leaked that Dustin Diamond, Screech from TV’s “Saved by the Bell,” was shopping around a “celebrity sex tape” of himself and two ladies with a penchant for s**t on their upper lips, I began to question the use of the word “celebrity.” Further investigation into other “celebrity sex tapes” showed a hotel heiress blowing and screwing her boyfriend in night-vision, the guy from Limp Bizkit learning how to use his cameraphone while getting a reacharound and that one chick from “Survivor” being coerced by her husband despite being thoroughly nonplussed with the idea of taping their coitus. And of course there were more tapes out there, causing the wheels to spin. If anyone can be a celebrity these days, then it stands to reason that anybody can make a celebrity sex tape. After all my research, there were certain aspects of all these sex tapes that seemed consistent. It was from these consistencies that I came up with the following requirements for making your very own celebrity sex tape.

1.) A shitty camera: No matter how rich you are, or how influential in the world of celebrity, it is a requirement to find the shittiest video camera available at your local department store. Extra points are given for the use of a non-digital camera such as VHS or Betamax, though a cameraphone aimed poorly will do just as well. If you can turn on autozoom, all the better. If you follow step 2, the use of autozoom will make sure that nothing is ever actually in focus.

2.) Poor lighting: Dim the lights as much as possible, and if you have night-vision on the camera, make sure you use it.

3.) The visual composition skills of a blind person: You should aim the camera vaguely in the area of where you will be doing the nasty. If you have a tripod, you should aim it at the bed, zooming in a little to make sure that you and your partner are overloading the screen, with hopefully your nasty a*s filling the frame. The inverse can also be true, where the tripod is placed two rooms away, in wide frame, so that you and your partner are indistinguishable from any other pixelated object in the room.

4.) Go handheld: Nothing says “first person perspective” like a video camera jammed in your lover’s a*s.

5.) Talk to the camera: At least twice during the video, you should address the camera as if it was the one you were having sex with. Say “oh God” or “you like that” or “giggle my balls.” Make silly faces.

6.) Leave the camera lens-cap dangling from the camera: The lens-cap should repeatedly swing in and out of frame if you are going handheld.

7.) Play with the timeline. Film yourself c*****g first, then getting the b*****b or the candle in the cooter. Follow this up with wedding footage or a friend’s kid’s bar mitzvah, then go back for the facial. Keep your audience guessing.

8.) Go for the bonus points: Don’t just do the usual missionary, doggie-style, b*****b, etc. Get creative. Try a donkey punch, use a package of lunchmeat or introduce a mud shark to the adventure. Remember, anyone can f**k, but a celebrity is making f**k history.

After you’ve made your celebrity sex tape, you have to get it to the masses. But you can’t just release it, remember, you’re an important celebrity. So follow these steps to get the video out there:

1.) “Accidentally” give the tape to a sketchy relative or a former lover. For the latter it’s all about revenge, for the former it’s all about getting rich off of someone else’s effort. Well, now’s their best shot.

2.) When word gets out that you made a sex tape, act shocked. Threaten legal action.

3.) Make sure you buy up every web domain that could be associated with your sex tape. If your name is Stu Chuckles and you get f****d with a chocolate strap-on, make sure you reserve

4.) Cut a deal with the person you leaked the tape to so that you can share in the profits. Make sure you point out copyright laws.

5.) Act even more shocked that someone would take advantage of you, but record a DVD commentary for the special “signature edition” release.

6.) If you can work a variation of “One Night in [celebrity participant]” as a title, go for it.

7.) Make sure you’re streaming clips and pics from the film on your website.

If you filmed your sex tape the right way, and follow the above distribution strategy, you will go down in infamy with your very own celebrity sex tape. One note, however: unless you have hepatitis-c and huge fake breasts, you probably won’t be able to get away with making multiple celebrity sex tapes (because that would make you a pornstar, not a celebrity) so you’ve only really got one shot. Do yourself proud, and I’ll be waiting with dick in hand to download your masterpiece.

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