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By Paul Goebel | July 3, 2006

As you may or may not know, I have been on many gameshows. I won $40,000 on Greed. I won a car, seven televisions and a butt load of other stuff on TV Land’s Ultimate Fan Search. I won over a grand on To Tell The Truth and of course, I was on every episode of Beat the Geeks. Suffice it to say, I have plenty of experience with this game we call show. I actually just auditioned to be on a new gameshow this week. I often try to get on game shows since I have no marketable skills and it allows me to feel superior while doing very little work.

So allow me to share my expert advice with you on how to be a contestant on a gameshow.

Let’s start with the dos…
1. Do listen.
Do what you are told by the contestant coordinator and nothing else. Listen politely to what other contestants may tell you, but don’t do anything unless someone who is being paid by the show asks you to do it. This may seem obvious but you’d be surprised how many people don’t even make it to the set, because they can’t follow the rules. The guy sitting next to me the other day not only asked a million questions but he never listened to the answer. It took all my restraint not to punch him in his bad-breath emitting mouth.
2. Do act like you want to be there.
It’s ok if you don’t have experience auditioning but remember that this is, in fact, an audition. The producers want to make sure that you are able to be entertaining and interesting on the show. Being good at the game is much less important than being interesting. They are trying to make good TV and couldn’t give a s**t whether you go home with a dune buggy or not. Therefore, if you’re a boring douche bag with an attitude during the “audition,” you are assuring yourself a one-way ticket home and you will never meet Chuck Woolery.
3. Do dress up a little.
You don’t need to wear a suit, but think a little. This isn’t a pick up game down at the park. These people are putting you on TV! Look at it this way…the host will be wearing something nice. If you want to be standing next to him at the end of the game, dress accordingly. On BTG, I was amazed at how many people came on the show wearing a t-shirt or a hoodie. Unless you are trying to prove to the world that grunge isn’t dead, a pair of khakis and a collared shirt is not that hard an outfit to pull together.
Now, on to the more important don’ts…

1. Don’t try to be the funniest person at the audition.
I know that everyone in your office tells you that you’re hilarious, but remember, the people who cast these shows have seen it all. There is very little chance that you are the funniest person in the room, let alone the funniest person they’ve ever met. You are not funnier than the host they are overpaying and you are not funnier than the writers they are underpaying. It’s fine to make a joke here and there but trying too hard makes you like a jagoff. One dude at the audition this week insisted on making “jokes” every time the coordinator said something. The fact that nobody ever laughed should have been a clue, but, sadly, was not.
2. Don’t ask too many questions.
Now, don’t get me wrong, if you don’t understand something, by all means, ask for clarification. You don’t want to sent home because you can’t play the game correctly. But if you’re constantly asking questions, that means you didn’t listen well enough the first time and, more importantly, you’re a pain in the a*s. TV already has an abundance of those.
3. Don’t bad mouth the show.
I am the first person to admit that many game shows on the air today are complete bullshit. I mean, a monkey can play Deal or No Deal and he can do it better than a human because he wouldn’t deny that the whole show is random like most of the dipshits who go on there. However, nobody likes to watch someone who is too smart for their own good. Remember the guy who figured out how to beat the board on Press Your Luck? He didn’t walk in telling everyone what a genius he was. He just got on the air and went to town. While you’re there, act like you think the game is brilliant and you’re just glad to be a part of it.
4. Don’t try to bang the co-host.
I hope this is self-explanatory as the details of a current court agreement prohibit me from going into more detail.

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