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By Steve Anderson | May 25, 2006

“Gothic Movie” forces us to ask some truly disturbing questions about the entire goth movement. Questions like: “Is it really just a fashion statement?” “Are they planning to conquer the planet right this very moment?” and “How much of the goth movement is just a bunch of losers living in their parents’ basements?”

“Gothic Movie” starts out simply enough. A chronic virgin named Fred is trying to score some dates via that one great last-ditch effort for all chronic virgins, the Internet. Managing to find what turns out to be a halfway decent date who for some unfathomable reason brings her friends along, (unfathomable to him—they’ll actually explain their presence in a quick sequence prior to meeting Fred) Fred is quickly invited, along with his roommates, to an impromptu party at the girls’ house.

Fred’s roommates aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed—a pair of twentysomethings who’ve founded some kind of death metal band with the hook that they dress like elderly men while performing—so naturally they follow along, cheerfully and willingly.

In what turns out to be a true battle of sheer stupidity, the goth chicks, with the incredible name scheme of Fluffy, Suzie, Angel, and Miss Badkitty, are plotting to conquer the planet in the name of gothkind.

They intend to do this through an arcane ritual that requires—wait for it—a virgin sacrifice.


We’ve officially left the land of Making Sense and Being Possible. And it’s only going to get worse before the end. Especially once Suzie, Fred’s intended date, very nearly ruins things for the group by planning to strip Fred of the only thing that makes him useful to this whole ritual thing in the first place.

And meanwhile, we’ve got an assortment of minions wandering around in various Halloween masks and dark robes who take time out from their various gothly activities to inform their mothers that, yes, they WILL have the car home by ten and ask their girlfriends to bring some KFC over when they arrive.

Plus, there is Helmut. Helmut is a German photojournalist who seems incapable of doing nothing but taking pictures, even at the worst times, and screaming about the lousy quality of American beer.

“Gothic Movie” isn’t what you’d call long on plot—renaming it “Goths Behaving Megalomaniacally” would not be out of line—but what “Gothic Movie” does do well is comedy. This is a no-budget comedy feast. Laughworthy, or at least chuckleworthy, moments crop up fast and thick. Moments like the trick-dealing fortune teller just past the half hour mark and the bafflingly vulgar scene with three goth minions fetching Helmut a beer are excellent examples.

The ending is even further better example. It’s the dumbest, and yet most screamingly funny, fight scene I’ve had the mixed pleasure of seeing in some time. It involves copious amounts of blood and what looks like organs made out of jello. But the ending falls apart plot-wise, leaving very little actually resolved. Short on plot, long on comedy.

All in all, “Gothic Movie” was packed full of laughs, but frankly, I wish they’d have toned down the comedy in favor of a story.

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