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By Michael Ferraro | May 4, 2006

Note: The following story is mostly true. The names have not been changed to protect anyone from anything, since only 4 or 5 people read this anyway, it doesn’t even matter.

September 2004: I walked into the electronics department of some store with my large friend Steve. Steve likes donuts and he happened to have one in his hand at this particular moment.”Dude, look!” he said excitedly.

I wander over to where his fat, sticky finger is pointed. He was pointing at the newly released Star Wars trilogy on DVD.

“F**k that Steve. Those are the raped versions,” I tell him.

He quickly responds, “But dude, come on! You just have to get them on DVD… think about how they’ll look, how they’ll sound.”

He picks one up off the shelf and stares at it in amazement, as if he just found proof of God’s (pick one) existence. I picked one up too, just to give it a once over.

And a once over was all anyone should have given it. Instead, it became a fairly popular sell. Star Wars fanatics everywhere scooped them up like a side of mash potatoes from Popeye’s.

I didn’t though. Steve did, that very same day.

In the check-out line, I tried to plead with Steve some more. “Steve, you should hold out man. He’ll release the real ones sooner or later.”

“But dude, don’t you watch the news? Mr. Lucas said he’ll never release them. Ever.”

Star Wars fans who call George Lucas “Mr. Lucas” should be destroyed. And I should be allowed to dance on their corpses. Rich people shouldn’t be allowed to use the word “never.” It never works. They can’t keep their promises. Just like good ol’ George.

“You’ll see Steve, one day that m**********r will need a new flannel shirt or something. And for those us 8 people on the Earth that hold out, he’ll want our money.”

And sho nuff, I was right. CNN told me so.

I hope Steve and the other “Star Wars fans” feel so good right now. They forced themselves to watch the crappy, Hayden added versions of the old trilogy when they really didn’t have to. I hope it hurts so good because sometimes love don’t feel like it should. Patience and convictions are virtues and they are something I’m full of, thanks to a life full of utter disappointment and years of unhappiness.

Star Wars of Death II.bmp

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  1. Emily says:

    Needs more flannel.

  2. Michael Ferraro says:

    Protect my coolness? That shouldn’t be hard. There really isn’t that much to protect.

    Tell your friends.

  3. Tracey Graham says:

    ahorrent=abhorrent But I’m sure you got what I meant. It just feels good to keep writing it. Call it Lucas Therapy. Maybe one day he’ll realize what he’s done and offer up Sywalker Ranch as a rest home for mentally abused Star Wars fans.

  4. Tracey Graham says:

    Thanks for another deep belly laugh this a.m. I’m so glad Lucas is a sell-out. Now we don’t have to settle for his crapperific choices. I wouldn’t have paid 1.00 in a thrift store for that ahorrent crap—I have some pride left 🙂 Glad to hear there’s some other kindred spirits out there who feel the same!

    Again, it goes back to that “don’t f$#k with our precious film memories” thing, I think. You can’t digitally re-master a memory.

    I wonder if it will ever stop hurting so much that George turned to the dark side, so to speak. I’m just baffled that people can lose their coolness. How can you be THAT cool and then nothing? Frightening. Protect your coolness, Michael (and the other four or five of you). Guard it with your life 🙂

  5. John Singleton says:

    One word – Perfection! Oh wait, that was three words.

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