FOOTBALL’S AMUSING CINEMATIC MOMENTS Image

Want to get into the drunken football spirit this weekend, but your team isn’t playing? Or maybe you don’t like football, but you want to join the festivities anyways without having to endure the pain of the actual big game. Well, plenty of football’s all-star heroes have eventually shared the same shitty attitude as you and have turned to movies to keep them occupied. Why not join them? Let’s take a look at a few football players turned thespian.

John Matuszak
Giving Rocky Dennis a run for his good looks and inciting people to wolf down Baby Ruths like they were injected with Super Fun Happy Drugs, this former defensive end for the Los Angeles Raiders underwent hours of make-up work to portray the fat kid loving “creature”, Sloth, in “The Goonies.” Matuszak is unfortunately no longer with us, so I raise this pint of Rocky Road ice cream in his honor.

Brian Bosworth
After sustaining an injury while playing in the NFL (the Seattle Seahawks was it?), the Boz starred in “Stone Cold,” a petrified dog turd that Van Damme probably would’ve taken the lead in if Bosworth hadn’t decided to poke his nose into the acting biz. Watching this flick is similar to shitting your pants – it strips you of your pride for about two weeks and you’ll go to the ultimate length to cover up any evidence that you did it.

Jim Brown
This former fullback for the Cleveland Browns is one bad m**********r and has been in the acting biz since the ‘60s. There’re plenty of points of cinematic interest when it comes to Mr. Brown, but for me, none of them beats his role as Byron Williams, dressed up as King Tut and running around Vegas with Tom Jones and Danny DeVito in Tim Burton’s “Mars Attacks.” The guy’s been in showbiz for over 30 years and it’s come to this.

Dan Marino
Blocks of wood have turned in better acting performances, yet Dan was fairly entertaining in “Ace Ventura.” But nothing beats his flaming hair cameo in Little Nicky. You’ll piss yourself laughing and then go worship Satan.

Brett Favre
There’s not a whole lot you can say about Brett Favre’s appearance in There’s Something About Mary, accept that he randomly shows up and chews on a couple lines of dialogue. For Favre fanatics only.

Lyle Alzado
It’s a prison flick with Alzado starring as a turd-burgling lunatic who doesn’t take well to the electric chair treatment. In fact, it only makes him nuttier. How can you not love that?

Bubba Smith
As Moses Hightower, Bubba Smith wasn’t the most popular of the “Police Academy” crew because…well, he just wasn’t very funny at all. Come to think of it, nobody in those goddamn movies was very funny. Steve Guttenberg? Forget about it. At least Smith had some use, whenever someone was in trouble, he’d be there to crack some skulls.

Carl Weathers
Yet another bad m**********r who’s proved his acting chops over the years. When this former San Diego State athlete is mentioned, some may think of Dillon from “Predator,” while others may lovingly remember him as Chubbs from “Happy Gilmore” and Little Nicky. F**k it, some of you will even recognize him as Action Jackson and that’s alright by me. But the real Weathers junkie will known him as Apollo Creed. Sure he got knocked the f**k out by Dolph Lundgren, but we won’t hold that against him.

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