WORST FILMS OF 2004
1. ALIEN VS. PREDATOR
Did you hear that sound on August 13th? It was the sound of the little hearts of sci-fi and horror geeks shattering upon the release of this ultimate hack job. S**t has never smelled so awful.
2. WHITE CHICKS
The latest from Keenen Ivory Wayans was so dumb, it was hard to believe it wasn’t an SNL sketch first. Now this is what we call a scary movie.
Maybe it would have stood a chance if the cat had looked anything like an actual cat might have instead of a big orange tumor bouncing around on the screen.
The “Spy Kids” movies suck, this is a cheap immitation knock-off disguised as a tribute to Super-Marionation that sucks even worse. Who don’t think so?
5. RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE
More s**t with the stench of Paul W.S. Anderson. What really sucks is that many of the people who refused to give the “Dawn of the Dead” remake a chance, actually talked themselves into liking this pile of garbage. It’s a sad, sad world we live in.
6. SUSPECT ZERO
A goofball premise, one dimensional characters, flat dialogue, glacial pacing and much ripping off of “Manhunter”, “Seven” and “Silence of the Lambs”. The sad spectacle of Ben Kingsley embarrassing himself on screen for the first time was the only thing in this movie we hadn’t seen before.
7. VAN HELSING
$150 million sure doesn’t buy what it used to. Stephen Sommers’ latest effectsfest offered little more than a run of the mill mix of graphic novel solemnity and action hero wisecracks that packed none of “The Mummy”‘s tongue in cheek punch.
8. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS
Even as a way to spend two blessed hours away from your family over the holidays, “Christmas with the Kranks” is an abysmal failure.
9. THE VILLAGE
We’ve got two words for M. Night Shyamalan: Screwball comedy. Or buddy film. Maybe even chick flick. Because the writer-director has beaten the whole spooky-movie-with-a-surprise-twist thing into the ground and the time has come to shovel some dirt over it, say a few words and let it rest in peace.
10. BLADE: TRINITY
All you really need to know is that writer-director David S. Goyer has dropped the ball in a big way. “Blade: Trinity” is a poorly edited, laughably scripted, and lifelessly acted disappointment that kills any sense of fun or dread we may have been expecting.