1. Mel Gibson
The good news is that Mel finally has something in common with the most popular man in America. The bad news is that Borat hates Jews too. In even worse news, Borat is fictional and he was joking. With Mel, we’re not quite sure.
During his now historical 2006 DUI arrest, Mel claimed he “owns Malibu,” resisted arrest, called a female officer “sugar-tits” and, in keeping with the latent anti-Semitic tendencies he had been denying for so long, asked the arresting officers if they were Jewish, following up with, “F*****g Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” The explosion you heard? That was Mel’s career.
He apologized, he got sick of apologizing, he refused to apologize anymore, he didn’t want to address the issue, he spoke on nationally broadcast news shows, he spoke at synagogues, he met with Jewish Officials. But in the end, in all his “I’m really not anti-Semitic” posturing, he never bothered to address how irresponsible he was for driving under the influence in the first place. And now he’s got a new movie opening, “Apocalypto,” and the question becomes: who cares?
Anti-Freeze: Entered rehab? Check. Apologized to studio heads? Check. You’ll bounce back, Mel. And for your next film, team up with Sacha Baron Cohen for a “Borat” sequel that takes the two of you on a wacky road trip to Israel, home of the horned devils themselves.
2. Jennifer Aniston
We’ll be there for you, as the films start to bomb. Chin up, 2006 was a horrible year for you at the box office and the tabloids, but “The Break-Up” did own the top spot for a week during the summer. That’s something, right?
Anti-Freeze: Get a new haircut. It’s always worked for you in the past.
How can a two week top box office winner be on the Frigid 50 already? Simple: there’s no future for Borat. The surprise-faux-documentary filmmaking style won’t work a second time, the participants of the first film keep bringing lawsuits and Borat has gone from cute and misunderstood to recognizable and annoying, even getting physically assaulted in NYC after his “Saturday Night Live” taping.
Anti-Freeze: We’re serious about teaming up with Mel Gibson in the Holy Land; it may be the only way Borat can live on.
4. Lindsay Lohan
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time. Coming to set late due to “exhaustion,” cracking up cars after “Herbie” flashbacks and paparazzi-wrangling and getting a note sent home from the principal, er, producer of a major studio has Lindsay using her career to cool her martini. What are you, a kid or something?
Anti-Freeze: Pace yourself, drink lots of water and hit the Tylenol before you fall asleep. And don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
5. Wesley Snipes
The Daywalker’s phony passport a year ago was apparently the call for help, and now he’s been indicted on 8 counts of tax fraud totaling over $12 million owed to the US government.
Anti-Freeze: Always bet on black. Perhaps you can win back the money you owe the government.
6. Mark Cuban
Hey, how about releasing a movie simultaneously in theaters, on DVD, and on TV? We’ve got a better idea – how about flushing money down the toilet – the results would be the same. Steven Soderbergh’s “Bubble,” the first and probably last movie designed for such a release, literally burst upon impact in this cockamamie distribution scheme back in January. Not surprisingly, Cuban is spending more time watching the Dallas Mavericks and screaming about Google’s acquisition of YouTube than rewriting the laws of distribution.
Anti-Freeze: Think outside the traditional theatrical release and shuck DVDs for internet download-on-demand.
7. Tara Reid
Don’t feel bad about the botched breast surgery; you have to embrace that which makes you different. Show them off, draw smiley faces on them, perform plays for sick children with them… own your dysfunction. There, done crying? Good, now let’s talk about your nonexistent movie career…
Anti-Freeze: Thunderdome between Reid and Paris Hilton, televised on Pay-Per-View, with the winner receiving line cutting privileges at every major club in Los Angeles.
Everyone pines for that big break, and thanks to the internet Lonelygirl15 went from being an out-of-work actress pretending to be a 15 year-old videoblogger to being an extremely popular out-of-work actress pretending to be a 15 year-old videoblogger. All this ultimately proved was the theory that most people on the internet want to watch a 15 year-old girl in her bedroom talking on a webcam. Creepy, ain’t it?
Anti-Freeze: Change your name, never cop to being Lonelygirl15 in the future and pay your dues like every other actor out there.
9. Movie Critics
Roger Ebert, a national treasure and America’s last great critic, hasn’t written a review since the summer. Ebert is quietly recovering even while his show continues with a slew of guest hosts. But honestly, who cares what critics think? Not you – you people helped crap like “X-Men: The Last Stand” gross $200 million in spite of what the critics said; and not movie studios, who are making critics increasingly irrelevant by refusing to screen more and more movies in advance. The word is out: the real critics to listen to are the audience, and with everyone and their mother writing blogs or running their own website, the days of the elitist critic are over. I mean, the fact that all the “writers” on the Film Threat web site hold day jobs should tell you something – we’re either lousy critics or realists. And Chris Gore? Have you read a review from this guy?
Anti-Freeze: Hope Roger Ebert has a full and healthy recovery, cementing the place of film criticism for as long as he draws breath. Get well Roger. We love you and you are missed!
10. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
The King and Queen of the 2005 Frigid 50 find themselves as frozen as ever. Tom got ousted from one studio just to try and resurrect another after a short dalliance with the owner of the Washington Redskins, while Katie has no film career to speak of since giving birth to their child.
Anti-Freeze: Teach Suri to sing as soon as possible and start traveling the country as “The Aristocrats.”
The list continues in part three of FILM THREAT’S FRIGID 50: THE COLDEST PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD 2006>>>