FATEFUL FINDINGS

When you tell people that they’re about to see the worst movie ever made, no one believes you. Everyone feels they have seen bad movies. And the bad movie aficionados will pull up films like “Manos: The Hands of Fate” or “Troll 2” or even “The Room” but they are all wrong. The worst movie ever made is Neil Breen’s “Fateful Findings.” This movie had it’s world premiere at the 2013 Seattle International Film Festival. They wanted to get out in front of any “cult” status this movie may attain.

It’s hard to describe what the movie is actually about. Plot lines are left dangling, characters walk through scenes delivering poorly written dialog in the worst, most wooden way possible. Neil Breen wrote, directed, edited and catered the film, and he also plays the main character of Dylan who, as a child, finds something that affects his fate (thus the title). Unfortunately, for the viewer, the super telekinetic powers he finds don’t include the ability to make a coherent movie. Dylan is a successful computer expert and writer of novels (but not, apparently, a novelist) who is suffering from a bad relationship with his pill-popping girlfriend. He is hit by a car and, while in the hospital, almost reconnects with his childhood girlfriend. Even though they never actually meet at the hospital he does invite her to a cookout later in the movie.

His best friends look like a bouncer and a former participant in some aspect of the adult entertainment field. His publisher is pressuring him to write another mega-selling book but his ennui is forcing him to become an ultra-hacker. He is busy uncovering the most secret secrets of the government and business world.

But really the scenes have very little to do with the plot, the actors’ lines have very little to do with the scenes and every moment is an opportunity to catalog every choice that was made wrong about every aspect of the film. As a viewer you start asking yourself questions like: Will I see more side-boob? Will I see more feet of people walking? Will he pan down an empty conference table? Will a random wisp of smoke that also looks like ejaculate fly through the scene? The answer to all of these is yes.

I don’t know how I could spoil the ending by describing it, but I won’t. I’ll just say that at some point it appears the movie is long enough so a monumentally bad conclusion scene is bolted on and then it’s over.

Bad movies are an acquired taste. The worst for me are otherwise functional movies that smack you in the face with something so stupid it ruins the rest of the movie. Movies like “The Last Exorcism” fall into this category. Many bad movies are also boring and a viewer can’t even make it through them. But movies like “Fateful Findings” are so bad and so earnest that you are forced to watch to the end to see just how wrong it can be.

I was somewhat shocked and even angry when I found out SIFF programmed this film. I felt it was kind of an insult to every good film that made it into the festival and also took up a slot that could have been filled with an actual good movie like “Zero Charisma.” But there is something to be said about inflicting a bad movie on your friends, doing a couple of shots and staring at the 100 minute long train wreck that is “Fateful Findings.” If you must see this film, then see it with friends and bring your best MST3K wit and laugh.