FARTMAN: CAUGHT IN A TIGHT ASS Image

Ever wanted to see what kind of movie a demented twelve year old would put together given the opportunity? Well, since no one’s dumb enough to let a demented twelve year old film his own movies, we’ll have to just settle for what we CAN get. Particularly, a movie from the Howard Stern empire, which is just about the same as a demented twelve year old anyway….

That’s right, it’s “Fartman: Caught in a Tight A*s,” a movie once available on Howard TV on demand about a character so awe-inspiringly puerile he was out of fashion the second Howard Stern originally put on the red-and-yellow spandex and pseudo-thong.

There is a plot in this six minutes of infantile behavior and general insulting of an audience’s intelligence, so let me give you the rundown. Our superhuman character, who can both fly and has control of his flatulence to the degree it can knock weapons out of criminals’ hands or simply knock them unconscious, is taking on Tight A*s, a neat freak who breaks character every time he invents a new tool to fight Fartman with. He hunkers down, grunts and strains, and soon, from his rectum emerges a new piece of poo-based technology. Which he then handles. Some neat freak, huh?

Anyway, Tight A*s is in the midst of plotting a way to render all of the town of Stenchville flatulence-free. And since such a state would render our superheroic one-note joke completely meaningless, it’s up to Fartman to prevent such a… I suppose I have to call it catastrophe to stay in character.

There are days when I feel like I inexplicably fell into Mike Judge’s “Idiocracy”. Say hello to the prequel for “A*s,” folks.

Frankly, I’d be perfectly happy if this walking, flying a*****e of a character could no longer toot, put on a suit with an actual a*s on the pants and became a CPA. That would mean this godawful line of films would stop. Seriously, this is so spectacularly stupid that even mocking it is a waste of time and energy. The protagonist is a rolling fart joke. The romantic female lead is named as a reference to her own genitalia. The antagonist breaks character at a rate of once a minute, on average. Unless there’s some deeper symbolism that has gone over my head, this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.

And so, none too fearful of overlooked symbolism, I can safely say “Fartman: Caught in a Tight A*s” is beyond contempt.

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