EXCESS HOLLYWOOD:  X3 AND SPIDER-MAN 3 SPOILER WARNING Image

Speculation. Sneak peeks at photos. Hints of villains. Who will die? Who will come back? Is this the end of the franchise? Yep, it’s time for the third films from the “Spider-Man” and “X-Men” camps. That sound you just heard is me yawning. The next sound you hear will be a million fanboys’ hearts exploding.

Nobody with more than three brain cells should give a flying f**k about these films.

Okay, that was a bit harsh. I have plenty of friends who are looking forward to them, and I happen to think they are smart, funny, creative people … but I can’t figure out their enthusiasm for the life of me. Knowing everything I know about these films, the only real surprise would be if “X3” doesn’t suck. I mean, everyone kind of knows what to expect, right?

Stories that seem emotional. Flashy special effects. Familiar characters in familiar situations. Fanboy complaints over some hero’s height. See-through plots. Room for sequels. It’s nothing but candy and everyone knows it. You know who gets excited about candy, don’t you? Kids ten and under. If you are over ten years old and are excited to see a photo of what Sandman looks like, you need to do some serious f*****g soul searching. If you’re over fifteen and that gets you excited, you need to get laid. Yes, I’m encouraging teen sex. Go screw. It’s more exciting than a Spider-Man film. Trust me on this one.

One of my regrets in life is that I watched the first two X-Men films and the first Spider-Man movie. They were enjoyable, but not much else. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t go see them again (and I’d kill Hitler). I just wouldn’t care to. When I see the frothing at the mouth that goes on over these two upcoming films (and the thoroughly boring looking “Superman Returns” disaster), I feel so lucky that I am no longer sucked into that clusterfuck of mediocrity. I also know that if I head to the theatre that weekend, I’ll have my choice of seats for whatever film I want to see. The unwashed mouth breathers will be popping boners over Wolverine’s claws, and I’ll be stretched out over two seats enjoying God-knows-what. That is Heaven.

I’ve grown so tired of the speculation on the films. I’ve grown tired of hearing, “Well, Ratner’s doing it, so it will suck, but I’ll see it anyway.” You know what that’s like? That’s like seeing a used condom in a men’s room and saying, “Well, I know it can’t be good for me, but I’m going to put it in my mouth anyway.” Why the f**k would you do that? If you think something is going to suck, and you willingly waste your time and money to see it anyway, you are lacking common sense and impulse control. And quite frankly, you deserve what you get.

“Wizard,” a truly crappy magazine devoted to some of the worst comic books in the world, has been hyping these movies the same way the porn world pushes its new stars in its trade mags. Photos are run. Teasers are given. Rumors are investigated. Fans weigh in. Sometimes there are diaries from the set. It’s a magazine about comics, but comic movies rule its pages (and often its covers). Why? Because the editors think it will sell magazines, but they also know that most comic fans want to read about the movies because they feel that the only thing that makes their hobby legitimate is films based on the comics. It’s utter bullshit and the typical geek self-loathing, and “Wizard” plays into that full-bore, but not all comics fans feel that way. I know. I’m one of them.

I don’t need to see what Kirsten Dunst looks like in the new film. I don’t need to read about who will die in the “final” X-Men film. (Final because this will sink the franchise, or final because it is planned?) I don’t need to know if Sam Raimi is going to return for a fourth film. I don’t need to know that Ratner wants less convoluted storylines. (Big surprise there.) I need to know those things like I need to know what’s coming up on the next season of “The King of Queens,” which is to say not at all.

I feel some pity for my friends who are still jazzed to see these films. I wonder when the realization that they’ve been had will sink in? When will the reruns stop being exciting? Four bad sequels down the road? Never? I don’t know, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon … especially since some of them are anxiously awaiting to see who is in the next “Fantastic Four” film.

‘Nuff said.

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