The call came out of nowhere. Friend and Celebrity Watchdog George Anthony Watson was on the other end of the line, and he sounded frantic. He basically has two modes. Frantic and serene. There is no in between.
“Did you hear about Stephen Baldwin?” he asked.
“Isn’t he addicted to something?” I countered, not sure where this was going.
“Yeah. God.”
Let me digress a minute. Decades ago for my birthday I was given the just-released paperback version of Stephen King’s “Christine.” I was thrilled with the present, and the story has since become one of my favorite King tales.
The plot of “Christine” is fairly simple. A nerdy boy buys an old car. He starts to fix it up, and his nerdiness turns into something creepy. The car, meanwhile, has taken on some peculiar habits. It repairs itself, it runs down people who have wronged the nerd in the past, and it is sometimes driven by the corpse of its previous owner.
There are some morals to be taken from the story. One: Don’t sleep with your best friend’s girlfriend. Two: Don’t pick on nerds. These are good lessons to take with you through life, and if you follow them, you’ll be in a much better place.
“Christine” is a fictional story that uses commonplace events and familiar items to convey a mood (in this case, horror) and tell a tale. When all is said and done, it is a story, and I don’t believe a word of it.
I feel the same way about the Bible.
Now that you know where I’m coming from, I can continue on this column’s topic: Stephen Baldwin and his newfound addiction.
According to the July/August 2005 issue of “Christian Music
Planet,” provided to me by Celebrity Watchdog Watson, Stephen Baldwin (pictured on the cover in a stylish leather jacket with this thumbs hooked into the waistband of his jeans like an aging Hollywood male prostitute trying to look alluring) is reaching out to “generation LOST.” At first I thought the editors meant the fans of “Lost,” but then I realized it was something more sinister. The actor, whose filmography includes “The Sex Monster,” is reaching out to our youth!
Baldwin, whom the article describes as a “movie-star-turned-zealot,” believes “it’s possible the youth culture can be the new rebels who choose to rebel by following the greatest rebel of all: Jesus Christ.” Baldwin doesn’t just say this, though. No, he “roars with excitement” as his “translucent, aquamarine eyes scream determination.”
Baldwin is targeting young “life skeptics and loners.” His ammo? The word of God. The zealot and star of “The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas” believes God “can work in your life, and you can still be hardcore and still have fun.” After all, Baldwin was one of those “hardcore” kids. He had money and traveled. Not satisfied to be a rich, a*****e tourist, he “tried filling up on alcohol, drugs and women.” Baldwin doesn’t want the nation’s youth to end up like him, however, and he seems particularly concerned about today’s girls.
Baldwin tells the journalists that he hears stories about these “young girls who wear beaded bracelets.” Apparently these beads indicate what “they do sexually.” Baldwin is out to save these girls, too. (Oddly enough, accompanying the article is a photo of the actor in sunglasses and jeans and the same leather jacket from the cover. He is casually riding a skateboard with his hands tucked into his jacket pockets. Both Celebrity Watchdog Watson and I thought the picture made him look like the kind of guy who would attempt to pick up the same young girls he’s out to save. “Hey, I like what you’re doing to that lollipop. What do the blue beads mean?” One wonders why such a creepy photo was published in the first place.)
To rescue these lost boys and bead-wearing nymphos from a life Baldwin has already experienced, the movie-star-turned-moron does something called Livin’ It, a “ministry vehicle” disguised as a “rock concert slash extreme sports show.” An hour into the two hour show, these “extreme athletes share their lives before and after finding Jesus.” Baldwin, never at a loss for appropriate words and phrases, calls it “stealth evangelism.”
Okay. Stop laughing. It’s time to get serious. Sort of. I don’t have much of a problem with the idea of saving kids from a Baldwin life. I think that’s actually a good thing. I also don’t think events that promote Jesus are necessarily bad … unless it’s like a war or something. “Stealth evangelism” is just sneaky, however, and totally discredits the message, but everyone has their own methods. What I find more interesting than that trickery, though, is how Baldwin made this transformation from marginal actor to crusader. It all starts with the Baldwin family’s Brazilian maid.
A few years ago this maid and Baldwin’s wife, Kennya, started chatting. The maid revealed she came to the United States because of a “prophecy.” She was supposed to “share the gospel with the couple and they would create a ministry.” Mrs. Baldwin at first thought it was “crazy” (because it is), but slowly began to believe it and embrace Christianity (because Mrs. Baldwin is crazy). Mr. Baldwin watched all this with “amazement” as his wife went from the fool who married him to the fool who “voraciously” married the Bible.
Mr. Baldwin wasn’t won over, however, until God was looking the other way as some planes flew into those two big buildings in New York. He (Baldwin, not God) realized “the unthinkable had happened.” In Baldwin’s mind (the same mind, it should be noted, that thought drugs were a good idea), “if the unthinkable could happen, then God was probably real.”
(For the record, the terrorists attacks of 9/11 were not “unthinkable.” Experts have warned of this type of thing for years, and there is proof the terrorists had this planned for quite some time. It was thoroughly plausible that the incident would happen, and it was just a matter of when. Considering these things unthinkable is part of what lets them happen in the first place.)
People suddenly discover God for various different reasons. Some people look at him for personal atonement after doing something hideous. (That’s why so many people find Jesus while doing time.) Some are addicts who trade one addiction for another. (It’s twelve easy steps from cocaine to Christianity.) And others find the Lord because they are afraid of something.
Here’s the situation I imagine. Baldwin is listening to this maid and seeing his wife slowly start to believe her. Paranoid from years of drugging, the “Bio-Dome” and “Half Baked” actor imagines the conversations they have in private. “Your husband, he is no good for you. He looks at other women. He loves drugs more than you. You do better than him. You have God now. Let God guide you to someone new.” (Baldwin imagines all this said in a Brazilian accent, which, to Baldwin, is indistinguishable from a “Mexico” accent.)
Baldwin thinks to himself, “If she bought the God crap, she’ll definitely believe her about the women and drugs. I’ll lose everything! I’ll end up like Charlie Sheen! Or some of my brothers!” He needs a plan … a way out. He’s an actor. That means he’s a born liar. That’s what actors do (along with drugs, women and alcohol). He’s frantic as he tries to figure out how to make his conversion believable. And then … eureka! Two buildings go down, and the world will never be the same.
I’m not saying that’s what really happened, but like the terrorist attacks, it’s not unthinkable.
(Here’s something to ponder in yet another aside. When celebrities are seen doing fund raisers, conservatives call them “self-serving” and “insincere.” When stars bring attention to the problems in Africa, conservatives say they are “attention seekers” looking to drum up business for their newest film. When a star like Bo Derek or Stephen Baldwin suddenly joins the fold (and, yes, Baldwin supports Bush), not a word about their insincerity is uttered. What’s good for the goose isn’t good for the gander when it comes to conservatives. But they don’t have to play fair. They got Baldwin on their side.)
Kids, you can think what you want about Baldwin and his newly found faith, but remember this: You can’t truly rebel while following the teachings of one of the oldest and most controlling institutions in the world. It’s impossible. It’s not even close to rebellion. It’s conformity — the opposite of rebellion. Just the fact that Baldwin and company, which includes Brian “Head” Welch (formerly of that tired band Korn and an ex-tweaker), have to resort to “stealth evangelism” should tell you something. You’re being duped. And if they do it once, they’ll do it again. And if Baldwin tricks kids into hearing such an “important” message, what makes you believe he’s not tricking other people for various reasons … like saving a marriage?
Face it, if you’re trusting a Baldwin to guide you through life, you’re already screwed, and God ain’t gonna be able to do a thing for you.
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