EXCESS HOLLYWOOD:  REGRETS — I’VE HAD A FEW Image

The other day I started thinking about movies I couldn’t believe I actually paid to see in the theatre. If you watch a lot of films, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Perhaps they looked good at the time, or you wanted to get laid, but upon reflection you realize you wasted time, money and brain cells taking in something that is the equivalent of a candy apple laced with razor blades.

My list of these films is far too long and embarrassing for me to get into every one of them, but I will share a few, along with my reasons why I think I went to see them. Once finished, you will either pity me or call me a fool. Rest assured, however, that I’ve punished myself for these missteps numerous times over the years, and any torments you bring my way will pale in comparison.

“Blind Date” is one of the first films I can remember that caused me to leave the theatre thinking, “Now why the hell did I do that?” The answer is surprisingly simple: Bruce Willis. At the time, I loved “Moonlighting.” I thought Willis was a good actor (and I still think that), so I wanted to see him on the big screen. This was not the right vehicle for him, however, and instead made me wonder if maybe my taste in actors was a bit off. It probably is, but I still enjoy “Die Hard” far too much. As for “Blind Date,” I haven’t seen it since, and I hope I never do. Sadly, though, it’s on DVD and corrupting a brand new generation of viewers.

“Adventures in Babysitting” is another film I can’t believe I wasted money on. To be honest, I can’t remember why I ever thought this would be something I’d want to watch, but I recall thinking it was cool that one of the kids in the film had an obsession with Thor. In order to understand how lame I thought the movie was, you have to realize that I hate Thor. He’s one of the worst of Marvel’s big guns. The fact that I thought it was “cool” for him to have some kind of connection to this film shows just how desperate I was to find some light at the end of the tunnel. I never saw this film again, either, and I shudder to think I may one day come across it on cable.

“Arthur 2: On the Rocks” was a complete disaster of a movie, but I did have fun in the theatre when these lesbians sat next to me and my girlfriend in an otherwise empty theatre. (I had long hair at the time time, as did my girlfriend, and we assumed they thought we were lesbians, too.) I went on and on about the itching in my crotch and various other ailments, all while hacking away and scratching myself. They quickly found other seats. So why did I see the film? I was a teenager. It was dark. My girlfriend and I probably wanted a place to make out. Thank you, Dudley Moore, for providing that sanctuary, but when all is said and done, I’m still glad you’re dead. That movie was unforgivable.

Lately I haven’t seen too many films in the theatre that I later regret. I’m pretty good at weeding out the garbage before I pay for my ticket, but there is one glaring mistake that somehow made it past my radar. That would be “The Transporter,” a film both my wife and I thought would be fun to see.

Oh, we were so wrong.

Granted, there are some good fight scenes, and I love the car chase at the beginning, but that film was so ‘80s action movie bad that it even had the crappy song at the end as the credits scrolled up the screen. For a moment, I thought “Tango and Cash” had somehow been remade or something. I’m surprised we didn’t leave the theatre, but I probably said something like, “We paid for the tickets, we’re staying here until it’s over or the theatre burns.” Looking back, I should’ve brought gasoline and a lighter because this movie was absolutely atrocious. I’ve seen foreign scat videos that were more appealing, and if you’ve ever seen a scat movie you know you have to be pretty hard up (or into some really sick things) to call that “appealing.” What is it with Germans and s**t?

I’ve made my mistakes in the past. I’ve sat through many a film that was rotting garbage and have hated myself for it for years. (“The Dark Crystal” comes to mind.) I don’t always know why I do it, and I’m not sure there can even be an explanation. Maybe it’s that same death wish that drives people to eat at Taco Bell. Who knows? What I do know, though, is that for every bad movie I see, that’s time I’ll never get back, and it’s that much sharper my bad movie instincts become. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch the six o’ clock showing of Hitch. That Will Smith is a hoot.

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