I’ll state it here and now: I hate Keanu Reeves. He’s been in exactly one worthwhile movie … ever. That was “River’s Edge.” I dislike the man so much that I avoided seeing The Matrix for a year or two because he had a starring role. (My brother-in-law made me watch it after I forced him to watch Chopper.) After viewing the blockbuster sci-fi film, I found that I liked the ideas behind The Matrix more than I liked the movie. Reeves’ latest vomit, The Matrix: Reloaded, isn’t even in the same league as its predecessor, despite the inherent camp value in making Reeves’ character Jesus-like.

I’m not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that there are millions of people who believe in that sort of thing, and many of them are waiting for the Second Coming (a porno-like title if there ever was one). After seeing The Matrix: Reloaded, I had to wonder what life would be like if Keanu Reeves was the new Jesus.

Yeah, it scared me, too.

With Reeves as Jesus, you get some admittedly cool powers. For example, Reeves can stop bullets with a wave of his neatly manicured hand, which would be incredibly useful if he ever visited Oakland, California. He can also bring the dead back to life by sticking those same hands into their bodies and massaging their hearts. (If that isn’t every woman’s fantasy — and some men’s — I don’t know what is.) I think that in order for the original Jesus to bring the dead back to life, all he had to do was snap his fingers or fold his arms across his chest, tilt his head and wink. Reeves’ way is much more dramatic.

Reeves can also fly, which beats out Jesus’ walking on water bit. I’d much rather have a savior who can fly almost at the speed of sound as opposed to one who can only run across the Atlantic. If my a*s needs saving, it can’t wait for some guy to catch his breath 200 miles off the Jersey shore.

When you start to think about it, Reeves would actually make a better savior than Jesus. He’s hip, he’s in a hot movie franchise, and he’s easy on the eyes. Okay, he’s not the smartest guy around, but I’d much rather hear his surfer exclamations after performing miracles than Jesus’ preachy speeches any day. We all know we should be good to one another, but it would be way cooler to hear Reeves say, “Man, I kick a*s!”

Reeves is the Jesus for the computer age. He’s the Lord of Generation X and Generation Pepsi. He’s everything God promised his son to be and more. He’s cool. He doesn’t have long hair, and he wears sunglasses instead of sandals. Unfortunately, for Reeves to really take his rightful place as the Messiah, he needs to die and be resurrected.

I’ve got the hammer and nails. I can get some boards. What do you say, Keanu? Are you ready to take that last fateful step? The step that will forever secure your role as the answer to all mankind’s problems? Are you ready to die for our sins, or are you content to keep crapping out lousy performances on the silver screen? (Dying a little more every time we see you, no doubt.)

I’ll dress as Agent Smith if you want, or a Roman soldier for authenticity. Are you game?

… and when Keanu rose from the dead, he looked upon his kingdom and smiled. “Thy will be done,” he told his faithful. “Let all who hath suffered be cleansed of all sin, and let the non-believers see the eternal truth. For am I Lord.” And he looked at the beauty of what he hath created and exclaimed his joy, “Whoa!” –from “The New American Matrix Bible”

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