EXCESS HOLLYWOOD:  JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME IS DEAD Image

When “Vegas,” that insipid NBC show, ran promos that played up an appearance by Jean-Claude Van Damme, I was hooked and knew I would have to watch. It wasn’t because I like him or the show. It was because he played himself and would die.

Hell, I’d pay to see that.

I know a lot of you are thinking that he is too easy a target for me to pick on. It’s like throwing baseballs at a paralyzed blind man. I disagree. Why? Because there are about five people out there who still like the guy and his work. They are the same five people who enjoyed “Speed 2: Cruise Control.” I know they won’t admit that, but it’s true.

I don’t like the idiot from Brussels for about fifty thousand different reasons, but his lack of acting ability and career stagnation are two of the biggest blows he has against him. Creepy facial features is another. He’s also a less funny Seagal. A more mediocre Diesel. A less talented Stallone.

And I so wish that “Vegas” was a reality television show.

If you watched that episode, you know that Van Damme died when a stunt went awry. People then mourned for one of Hollywood’s “biggest” actors and set up a less-than-stunning memorial to the man. (When was that episode filmed anyway? During a one-week period in August of 1991?) Fans placed flowers around the memorial and openly wept while people like myself laughed and cracked open that special bottle of wine.

With Van Damme dead on the show, I tried to imagine life without him in the real world. Would flowers seem more colorful? Would the songs of birds be a little clearer? Would the air be cleaner? Would gas prices drop?

Yes to all of the above.

I realized that a world without Van Damme would be much like a world without Hitler, Dahmer and Cheney. It was then that Van Damme died for real in my world. He really did perish when he plunged off the roof of a casino on a motorcycle (instead of being stabbed to death by a transsexual hooker, as I had once placed a bet on). And his movies are now painful reminders of what used to be. I will chalk up any future films he may happen to be in to be mere CGI effects used by the director in an attempt to resurrect a “star” who never really deserved to be on film in the first place.

Van Damme is dead. He died in Vegas when a stunt went wrong (or right, depending on your view). Because of this, the world is a much better place. Now I just have to convince ABC to book Keanu Reeves for a special guest appearance on “According to Jim” where he chokes to death on a pretzel. Oh, that would be sweet.

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  1. E. C. says:

    He was an a*****e in real life. You may have liked his shitty movies but he was a pretentious price in real life. So good riddance.

  2. Gyang Kim Choji says:

    I Really thought he was dead for real. I’ve lost touch with him. Where is he now?

  3. Nazeer says:

    Nothings new even you became best actor you must face enemies.

  4. The Mighty Stan says:

    Van is the man,motherf****s talk an bullshit walks,haters might as well go to hell!Van inspired me to walk the streets of hell with no fearfor ani evil.wish u cud all dis!

  5. tk says:

    that hates
    van damme so bad,y all the hatred?that is a gud acter, fighter nd a gud f****r mayb u wanted him 2 f**k u nd he dissapointed you…oops sorry maan just let it go you r nt worth it to him.

  6. Dustin OShea says:

    TO DUDE WHO DNT LIKE MR. VAN DAMME HES FUCKIN KRAZY MAN IVE LOVED HIS MOVIES MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE MAN HES A GREAT ACTOR N A MAGNIFICENT BADASS FIGHTER I WOULD ABSOLUTLY LOVE TO FIGHT LIKE HIM WHEN I WALK AGAIN ILL EVEN PAY HIM A SHITLOAD OF MONEY 2 TEACH ME N I BET HED DO IT NOT JUST 4 ALL THE CASH ID GIVE HIM BUT PEOPLE CAN JUST TELL HES A GREAT PERSON TOO! I KNO HE AINT DEAD ITD B ALL OVER THE NEWS WORLDWIDE CUZ THATS HOW BIG OF AN ACTOR N FIGHTER HE WAD! MUCH LOVE 2 YA VAN DAMME UR A STRAIGHT BADASS WITH A SHITLOAD OF TALENT! I PRAY U C THIS CUZ U SHOULD HERE IT EVERYDAY OF UR LIFE TILL U DIE! TAKE CARE BRO! N TO ALL YAL HATERS YAL CAN GO SCREW URSELF HES THE MAN!!!!!!!! SINCERELY, DUSTIN O’SHEA

  7. xolani says:

    dude I tell u the truth that guy is the fred astaire of karate, although u hate him he has many fans around the globe & don’t need a bull s**t motherf**** like u

  8. Boc Moses says:

    all this freaky lies about him, I tell you can never be enough to deceive his fans all over the globe.

  9. dee says:

    Sounds like u just want to f**k him real bad i know i do lol just be honest hater &come out of the closet

  10. Ikechi says:

    Is he illuminati? I want them to suffer for worshipping satan

  11. endowed says:

    Your story makes no sense…mennnn!!that guy was gooooooodddddd or do I sense jealousy? Please give us a clear report of if van damne is dead

  12. i don’t believe he died and really he died then pls send to my mail how,when and where he die

  13. Charles John Bassey says:

    If u killed him ursef i’ll believe u. Kindly grow up & stop this nonsense

  14. Adegbulugbe olakunle says:

    I dnt believe he’s dead until i see a reasonable evidence

  15. I can believe he is dead and I won’t believe it until I see a proper evidence

  16. Narayan Loke says:

    Did he f**k your mom like a dog ?

  17. me says:

    Such hatred,why?

  18. Marie says:

    Bullshit talk! Please let Van Damme be! He is a lovely dude with great great talent.

  19. Ur daddy says:

    Urra nasty shitebox who is just trying to get attention … Sick cocck..!

  20. Victor Inalegwu Dominic says:

    I don’t think u have any thing serious agains mr.Jean Claud Van damme…let the talented dude be.He is more than you.

  21. Nikki says:

    The difference between Van Damme and you?
    He has TALENT.

  22. carlee says:

    You are moderating what I say??? Where’s your moderator???

  23. carlee says:

    You are not worth it. You are shameful.

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