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By Zack Haddad | February 4, 2007

Since when have parody films become hapless rip-offs of other movies without even trying for any type of story whatsoever? Perhaps when audiences clamored for a fourth “Scary Movie?” “Epic Movie,” much like “Date Movie” is a parody of many of our most recent epic films that have come out in the last year. It is just to bad that the film isn’t called “Miniscule Movie” because that is a better description of this epic-less piece of garbage.

Peter (Adam Campbell), Edward (Kal Penn), Susan (Faune A. Chambers), and Lucy (Jayma Mays) are four completely different orphans who have each found a golden ticket that will grant them an epic adventure. The ticket takes them to the factory of Willy (Crispin Glover), who decides to turn the four orphans into his slaves. That is until not-so-bright Lucy finds a wardrobe that takes them to the land of Gnarnia where they must fight the White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) and take back the land in the name of all that is good. I have no problems with parody films. I just have a problem with leeches that call themselves parodies and instead of pulling from subject material, they basically just repeat complete scenes from the original films with barely a comical change.

Jason Friedber and Aaron Seltzer are two of the six writers that have brought you the four “Scary Movies,” “Date Movie” and now this so-called “Epic Movie.” I just find it ridiculous that these guys call themselves directors and writers because anyone can make this movie. On top of that, all of these references will be old in two years. Example, the White Bitch surfs MySpace, the albino talks about K-Fed, Mr. Tumnis shows his house like it is an episode of “Cribs”, and Fergie songs play on the soundtrack. This is all contemporary crap for the quick cash-in. Like I’m saying anything remotely surprising here.

Maybe this is what audiences want today. But look back on films like “Airplane” and “Naked Gun,” spoof films that transcend time and genre. Even the first “Scary Movie” wasn’t that bad. And, if I had to say something good about this film, it’d be that Crispin Glover as the Willy Wonka proxy takes the role to a level of creepiness that Johnny Depp never could have.

Even though I complain and whine about how lame this movie is, it doesn’t matter. As gloomy as that sounds, more of these are going to get made because people actually like this mindless crap. I don’t hold it against the actors in this film. Kal Penn needs some gigs and Crispin Glover probably needs some money to make the third installment to his “What is it?” trilogy. The ones I hold it against it the audience, because Lord knows we really need another “Scary Movie” or another film like this but, well, wait six months…

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