In one of the smartest marketing moves 20th Century Fox may have ever pulled, they did not pre-screen “Dude, Where’s My Car?” for critics. At first, I was peeved. Then I realized that I could watch Monday Night Football instead of attending another screening and I brightened up. Then, I plunked down my $8.50 and paid to see it for myself. Wow! This is a colossal turd that Godzilla himself would be hard-pressed to squeeze through that giant, green scaly monster a*s of his.
The film is made in the spirit of the now, heck, masterpiece in retrospect, “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Bill and Ted is looking like “Star Wars” after this crap-fest. Here’s the story of “Dude”: After a night of partying, a couple of dudes, Jesse (Ashton Kutcher) and Chester (Seann William Scott — yes, “Seann” with two n’s), actually who are they kidding? A couple of 30 year-old actors playing teenagers! Anyway, they don’t remember where they parked their car. But they do have a year’s supply of pudding in the fridge, they’ve made friends with some strippers and their girlfriends are super-pissed at them. Sounds funny, right? The ads running on television make it look hysterical. I mean, I was actually looking forward to seeing it. Sorry to break it to you, but “Dude” is perhaps the least funny film of 2000. In one scene the dudes confuse ostriches for llamas and then the ostriches attack them. Ha, ha. Not funny. I want to meet the 11 year-old kid who wrote this and get him into special ed now! Not only is “Dude, Where’s My Car?” Not funny. It’s not even DUMB funny.
But, I want to remain positive, so let’s look on the bright side. Here are ten good things about “Dude”: ^ TEN POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT “DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?” ^ 1. There will never be a sequel called “The Dude’s Bogus Journey.” ^ 2. The film can be used as an educational tool in film schools as an example of how NOT to make a movie. ^ 3. “Dude” may inspire others to pick up a camera and make a movie because, damn, if these guys did it, ANYBODY can make a movie. ^ 4. I hate to admit it, some of the chicks in the film were hot. (No nudity though folks.) ^ 5. New ad campaign: Dude, Where’s My Car? More fun than prison rape! ^ 6. It makes the SNL movies look hilarious by comparison. ^ 7. Um, I’m not dead. (But watching this film, I wish I was.) ^ 8. The filmmakers behind this garbage will be out of work in 2001! ^ 9. The film will provide hope to the thousands of mentally retarded people who dream of a Hollywood career. If the filmmakers behind “Dude” can do it, you can too. ^ 10. Most of the film is in focus. At least, I think it is. I’m not sure because I actually walked out.