I swear to submit to the following set of rules drawn up and confirmed by DOGMEAT 00:
1. Shooting must be done on location (unless portions of the film take place in Outer Space, Heaven, Hell or Pacoima.) Props may be brought in, but only if they are pointy and dangerous.
2. The sound may be produced apart from the images or vice versa but all screams of pain and agony must be real. (Remember: “In space, no one can hear you scream”). If a soundtrack is used the director must create his own score.
3. The camera must be hand-held, mounted on a Pogocam, Steadicam and/or taped to a stick. (The film must not take place in Denmark.)
4. The film may be in color or B&W. Special lighting is acceptable but only if emanating from a supernatural source. (Cinematography is for p*****s. If it can’t be shot with a bounce-card, go home and cry on your Mommy’s shoulder.)
5. Optical work is allowed but only if created by using a cheap and underpowered desktop computer. (If you’re going to let the machine do all the work for you, what’s the point?) If bored, filters can be used. Being in-focus is somewhat encouraged.
6. The film must contain superficial action. (Sex, murders, weapons, death, taxes, etc. must occur.)
7. Temporal and geographical alienation are forbidden unless accomplished with the use of Tequila and/or narcotics. (Note: Nyquil may be substituted.)
8. Only genre movies are acceptable. (Pretentious Danish crap is not).
9. Any film format is acceptable but the use Super 8, 16mm, Super 16, Digital Video and/or Fisher Price’s PXL 2000 is highly encouraged. (35mm is passé and tired.)
10. The director must, himself, dress any blood that is used. ^ Furthermore I swear as a director to refrain from any taste whatsoever! I am no longer an artiste. I swear to refrain from creating a “work”, as I regard the gratuitous use of blood, gore, sex and violence as more important than that of the whole. My supreme goal is to force the sweat and blood out of my characters and settings. I swear to do so by all the means available and at the cost of any good taste and any æsthetic considerations. ^ Thus I make my VOW OF PERVERSITY.” ^ Los Angeles, Friday 31 March 2000 ^ On behalf of DOGMEAT 00
John Peter Vulich Andrew Phillip Sands