It seems like there are more teen horror flicks out there than you can shake a bloodied power drill at. So, obviously, somebody out there wants to see crappy movies starring lame, stretched-out sitcom stars like Courteney Cox–and glamorous younger bubble brains like Denise Richards–battling mad slashers and driller killers.
So, at first glance, “Cherry Falls” isn’t exactly a ground-breaking cinematic event. And since its star, Brittany Murphy, played a high schooler in “Clueless” long before Britney Spears grew knockers–it’s pretty safe to assume that Murphy’s a bit long in the tooth for this young n’ innocent gig.
In any event, what we have here is a bunch of youngsters being killed by either an extremely tough female or one bad-assed drag queen. The sexually ambiguous killer favors leather miniskirts and has various strategies for handing out lethal whoopin’s. One of my faves is when he/she/it grabs a girl by the hair and then slams a door against her head ’til she up and croaks. That’s one hard-working homicidal looney! Your lazier serial killers will simply slash someone’s throat. But this energetic young hermaphrodite-on-the-go is all about giving the people something to crow at.
And crow they do! A concerned teacher (Jay Mohr) tries to rally the youngsters in their grief. Unfortunately, most of them don’t give s**t. Kind of reminiscent of “River’s Edge”, except that was a really good movie.
So, the dark one-liners keep spewing out of the kids mouths, until it feels like this snotty pack of “adolescents” secretly have the cretinous writers from “Married: With Children” feeding them material. Not unlike the days when Jay Mohr was stinking up the joint on “Saturday Night Live”.
One kinky twist is that the killer is offing virgins. (Adding a neat bit of irony to the title.) Consequently, Murphy’s humorless cop Dad (Michæl Biehn) is disappointed to learn that she hasn’t been getting banged by her sissy boyfriend. As a well-meaning academic points out “If word gets back to these kids that somebody’s murdering virgins, we’re gonna have a fuckfest on our hands.” Hmmm, apparently that’s considered a bad thing in some circles. It’s just no damn fun to be a kid today.
Well, the h***y little goons do indeed organize a Slamarama, and it begins to looks like “Cherry Falls” is taking a turn into Screw magazine territory–but don’t start reaching for the baby oil just yet, Charlie. Because this is about the point where the film goes irretrievably south, and it’s just a routine teen hacker flick the rest of the way.
In the end, “Cherry Falls” falls short on plot and humor. It aspires to be another “Heathers” or “Rivers Edge”, but doesn’t make it.
