There are days that force me, as a columnist dealing exclusively in the direct to video market, to question my own sanity.
Maybe I’m dealing with Croenenburg’s latest little bit of insanity. Maybe I’m subjecting myself to Roger Corman’s last-ditch effort to keep his waning career alive. Maybe I’m even going so far as to endure some minor-league, sleazebag studio’s desperate move to make some quick cash at the expense of video viewers nationwide.
But sometimes, there’s just something that comes along that’s so confusing, so completely out of left field that no one ever possibly could have seen it coming in a thousand years of contemplating.
This is one of those times.
This is Cheerleader Ninjas.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Cheerleader.
Ninjas.
Ninjas who are cheerleaders. Cheerleaders who are ninjas.
I’m scared. Vaguely excited, but also scared.
So what we have here is the story of a foursome of cheerleaders from Happy Valley, cheering on their mighty football squadron, the Happy Valley High Hamsters.
The Hamsters.
Oh, it only gets weirder from here.
Somehow, the Happy Valley High Hamster cheerleaders (dear Lord, what name do they wind up with–the Hamsterettes?) are being blamed for the recent invasion of Internet pornography into the bedrooms of children all across Happy Valley. Blamed by the Catholic Mothers With Too Much Time On Our Hands, a new schoolteacher is brought in to rein in the allegedly wayward cheerleaders….
…oh, I really can’t believe I said that.
And it gets worse. The cheerleaders also have to face down an evil mastermind who’s using them as guinea pigs to perfect his Internet Zombie Domination software. And so, the cheerleaders must overcome the evil mastermind, Mr. X, and also the new schoolteacher.
You see now why I’m quietly screaming into the nearest handy pillow and wondering if I’ve lost my mind. Cheerleaders blamed for Internet pornography fighting a schoolteacher and an evil genius planning to use Internet pornography to enslave the world. It’s like a strange mix of “Kill Bill,” “Bring It On,” and old episodes of “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.” What the hell?
Perhaps most alarming, or most interesting by turns, is the first twenty seconds, featuring “Other Titles We Didn’t Use.” This is scary and brilliant, funny stuff here. For instance, “Teen Sewer Tramps Slaughter Helpless Baby Seals,” “101 Ways to Wok Your Dog,” and “Kick-Boxing Kennel B*****s In Heat.” The interesting part is that these titles would be perfectly valid replacements for “Cheerleader Ninjas.”
And watching this, even just the first five minutes, you know what we’re in for here. We’re in for one of the funniest and possibly most bizarre movies ever released onto video store shelves. We’re in for a film that would make Lloyd Kurtz and Michael Kaufman fall to their knees in adulation, ready to hand over the very reins of Troma itself to Kevin Campbell, the young man who showed them the inevitable progression of everything they strove to achieve.
Partial nudity, gut-wrenching violence, bizarre situations, and of course, comedy like no tomorrow.
Though Troma has lost its way, Campbell will show them the road.
And it continues on in this fashion, with insane amounts of dick-and-fart jokes, including a bizarre segment in which one of the characters is replaced with an obvious blow-up doll, and the remainder of the on-screen cast bounces it above their heads like a beach ball while fart noises erupt throughout.
In terms of bizarrity, it’s easily on par with Crazy Lips.
Plus, there’s plenty of nudity, pseudo-lesbianism, and pandering to go around. Check out the scene involving cheerleaders chasing
schoolgirls.
On pogo sticks.
Through a haze of lawn sprinklers.
The sad thing about Cheerleader Ninjas is that it really only has three moods: comic, disgusting, and pandering. Cheerleader Ninjas will be a thrill ride for every fifteen year old boy who gets his hands on it.
The ending involves poorly animated robots slapping each other with oversized rubber phalluses as cheerleaders and schoolgirls do battle for the fate of the earth. And some singing, some false morality, a man in a cheerleader uniform, and…okay, that was bad enough.
The special features are limited to subtitles and trailers for
“Cheerleader Ninjas” and “Cabin Fever.”
All in all, Cheerleader Ninjas features more bizarrity, dick-and-fart jokes, sheer roaring comedy, and pure “what the hell” moments than any other direct to video title you’re going to see any time soon. If you’re fifteen, you’re going to love it. Older folks may want to try it anyway, just for the sake of the incredible, over-the-top nature of the film.
