BIKINI GIRLS ON DINOSAUR PLANET (DVD) Image

The cover for this ‘film’ has a picture of Misty Mundae recreating Raquel Welch’s famous bikini pose from “One Million Years B.C.” That’s actually the best part of this wretched effort. The ‘plot,’ such as it is, concerns a pair of extra-terrestrial munchers-de-la-carpet (pronounced ‘carp-ette’ as in the original French) studying the prehistoric mating habits of an earth-bound “dirty little tribe of lesbian mammals” from space in their super-tacky spaceship. This is basically an excuse for endless, tedious scenes of faux same-sex sex (yes, lesbianism can be boring, believe it or not), some awful stop-motion animation scatological dinosaurs and a few poor jokes.

The ‘filmmakers’ care so little about the (sur)reality of their film they have Mundae and others wearing jewelry, which would have been a neat fashion accessory trick for a cavewoman. An anachronistic cavewoman at that, because the lesbians are supposedly from 2000 years B.C., which…ah, f**k it, why even bother pointing out the ludicrous nature of this error? This is a truly terrible effort, and is a complete waste of (re)viewer time and effort and energy (and money if you buy or rent the thing). Also included is a film, “Bikini Goddesses,” by David DeCoteau to pad out the DVD’s running time, but seeing as how he’s a terrible filmmaker (see my review of “Leeches” on this very site if you care for my view on his filmmaking ‘talents’)…who cares less? There’s also included a retro-looking monochrome shot where a woman strips in a ‘Vintage Nudie Peep Show’. Entertaining if you like that sort of thing – which I personally don’t.

Somebody call my agent! I’ve written for Cinefantastique and American Cinematographer – can somebody tell me how I ended up reviewing shot-on-video shite like this!!? Whadya mean it’s cos I asked for review copies of Misty Mundae films from PR woman Paige Davis (hiya Paige! Hope yer spelling has improved!) at the distribution company? Damn! Yer right! It’s my own fault! I’m an idiot! I’ll have to stop asking for free stuff! But then I might miss something good! And that would be bad! To view or not to view, that is the question! Is it noble to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous softcore sex movie fortune when it causes such exploitation consternation? Should I stay reviewing or should I go do something else? If I go there will be trouble…but if I stay it will be double! Oh the pain! I need advice! What a cognitive-dissonance-causing dichotomy! I need to go lie down! I can’t handle the pressure! Don’t watch this film! Trust me! Bye for now!

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