Sorry folks, but from now on, Michael Ferraro will not be writing on the blogs. Just kidding. Hah, you should have seen your face, sucker. Seriously, who can replace Michael? With Michael busy and all, he asked me to help him along with the blogs to contribute some of my own thoughts on film, entertainment, etc. To put it bluntly, I was honored. Anyone who reads his blogs knows he has a keen talent, and now I’ve filled my sucking up quota. I prefer to call it being grateful, but I digress.

The title of this entry sounds like a reality show, doesn’t it? Almost. Well, if the constant remakes aren’t drilling through your brain already, New Line, and Harvey Weinstein are planning a remake for “Battle Royale”. I won’t gripe about it though. I knew it would happen eventually before the remake trend began, and until any news comes in about pre-production, it’s still in the talking stages. Before I ever actually saw “Battle Royale” it became painfully obvious this would be remade.

“Battle Royale” is too good a story to let the Asians have all for themselves, and Americans are too dumb to want to watch a movie with subtitles. Not to mention with the boom of Discount Television (Reality TV), it was going to happen. So, instead of ranting here for four pages about how creatively bankrupt we are, and how stupid Americans are to endure these films and flock to see them, I’ll instead offer some healthy advice to Weinstein.

Hey, I hate remakes too, but you can’t fight what you can’t stop. And you can’t bitch when you know you’re going to see it anyway.

Here’s how America will have “Battle Royale”, or in simpler terms, here’s how we’re bound to see the remake.

Firstly, “Battle Royale”? What in god’s name does that mean? Americans won’t know what we’re talking about. Let’s call it something that will connect to teens and audiences on a universal level. From now on it will be called “Royal Rumble”! Or if there’s copyright issues “Royale Rumble”. It works out so well, we’ll attract wrestling fans old and young, and we’ll make lotsa dough on WWE tie-ins!

And PG-13 only. We can not have a film about kids put on an island to kill each other and have too much gruesome murders. No severed heads, no girls poisoning each other, no suicides, no axes to the head, and no sex whatsoever. Also, make sure these kids are white, morons were complaining about the subtitles, so make sure the white actors speak loudly and clearly and in words without too many syllables.

The girl in the beginning has to be played by Dakota Fanning. She just has to. And let’s not have her covered in blood. That’s perverse, instead she’ll be covered in mud, this will let the audience know that though she’s been in a skirmish, it wasn’t a violent skirmish. How did she survive then if she didn’t kill anyone, you ask? Well, when she arrives she’ll be crying and said that someone sacrificed themselves for her.

And the twisted, and oddly joyous video announcer who explains the rules, and death possibilities to the students can be played by none other than Paris Hilton! Of course, who wouldn’t want to see her in an army uniform smiling at us?

The main villains, Kazuo Kiriyama, and Kitano have to be played by a seasoned actor and a young actor we’re trying to push on audiences. Now, Kazuo will be known as Brett and will be played by Chad Michael Murray, and he won’t be an unstoppable killing machine, but a killer with a conscience who will romance one of the girls. Kitano will now be played by Tommy Lee Jones or Samuel L. Jackson, and for quasi-political commentary they’ll be ex-military generals.

Fourthly, why school children? Hello? Columbine! This will definitely inspire copycat crimes of kids going on islands to shoot each other up, so instead let’s have them as college students! Yes, college students never kill one another. They’ll be blond, busty, and footballers, all of whom will look like models and not real students. If the students are old enough to look like adults, but young enough to be believable students, there won’t be a problem from the MPAA.

And if all else fails, we’ll turn them into mobsters. That’s right, gangsters and mobsters were put on an island by their boss to kill one another. No one cares about gangsters and mobsters, so people will love it! Hey, they loved that movie with Ray Liotta where he’s a prisoner.

Or turn it from a program designed to keep down the population to a reality show in the future! “Battle Royale” a reality show with adults fighting to stay alive!

You have to go with the reality show angle.

And get the actor rolodex from the WB and UPN and make sure you cast at least twelve people from their shows especially Tom Welling.

Most of all, since Columbine, and 9/11, and high gas prices, we can’t have these kids killing, maiming, and torturing each other. Kids aren’t violent or sadistic, so it would be unrealistic, instead they have to electrocute one another knocking them unconscious. It makes sense. Instead of the collars exploding and bursting their necks with geysers of blood, have it just electrocute them with a light blue glow to signify electricity, and then we have men around the island come to scoop them up and “exterminate them”, which we’ll never see, because that’d be too violent. It’s clean, it’s safe, and it’s PC.

Lastly, as the director let’s hire someone who thinks he’s underground, yet really is one of our stooges. Someone who is young and hip with the kids, yet knows how to fall in line. Eli Roth! Of course, it’s so good! He’s quasi-underground, he’s convinced himself he’s a studio rebel, when really he’s our stooge, and he’ll do anything to get attention to his movie, even saying it will be better than the original! Of course! But wait, he’s a rather violent guy, let’s get Rob Zombie! Yeah, he’s a sell out! No… wait, Paul WS Anderson!

The director for “Battle Royale” will be Paul W.S. Anderson! It works out so well!

American Poster

And there you have it Weinstein, you have your remake of “Battle Royale”. Hey, if you were angered at any point during this entry it’s not because you thought I was serious, but because you know the studios would actually go through with these suggestions if they could.

Don’t shoot the messenger.

As one last statement here:

To further prove that box office numbers mean nothing, here were the early returns for “The Omen remake”:


Notice how the first number is the sum of 6 added together, and then there’s 6, and then there’s two numbers of 6 divided into two, and then there’s 666. Tell me now that the studios aren’t bullshitting us. It’s about time mental midgets learn that box office doesn’t mean quality.

That figure up there proves once and for all box office returns are being fabricated. So whenver anyone says to me: “[This movie] was good because it did well at the box office”, my simple reply will be: “Shut the f**k up.” Crude, but effective.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. alukah says:

    When I first heard about this, I was very happy. It should be mentioned that I had heard about this before seeing the remake of Ringu and The Grudge. After that, I started to lose faith in Hollywood.

    However, my mind started to work. I think instead of trying to recreate the original story, creating a new story based on the same idea would work better. The main reason I think this would be better is because America is different than Asia. If they were to add in issues facing America today and subtract the original issues in the story (read the book=much more political, and very well written), give the kids some new problems to deal with (maybe the collars pick a random person every two hours to kill instead of having danger zones, or make the danger zones random), and create a whole new cast of characters, I could see this film working.

    The violence would be a problem, but if someone is going to make Battle Royale without blood, then it is not Battle Royale anymore, now is it? It would be Pillow Royale.

    Basing it more on the book would be nice as well. I’m just throwing ideas out here now, so I’ll wrap this up.

    In summary: remake=bad. new scenario with the same basic idea (think like a spin off in America)=Good.

  2. Jesse James says:

    I agree with Huddy. One thing though, about gathering 42 14-year olds: You don’t need em to begin with! Do you honestly think any of the important characters in the original were actually that young? Actors are casted as younger teens all the time! I mean, look at Dawson’s Creek, or Luke Perry! I don’t think passing off 17 and 18 year olds as freshmen would be too hard. I’m holding out hope for this remake. Who knows, they might even keep it accurate to the novel this time around… I mean, Kiriyama as a mute transfer volunteer of the Program? Nanahara as a whiny p***y who’s dad hung himself with an extension cord? Maybe if they made the characters how they’re supposed to be, they could possibly surpass the original in accuracy. I’m holding out hope.

  3. Huddy says:

    What the hell is this article supposed to state? Firstly, “Battle Royale” is a wrestling term that the japanese borrowed to describe a fighting match involving a group of people, every man for himself. It means the same thing to Americans.

    Secondly, this is a horror film, both in terms of the plot and the action, and there is no way they would adopt a plot that hinges on kids killing each other in violent matters and not make it R-rated.

    Third, Dakota Fanning would only make a cameo if she were interested in the project, and I doubt she would be.

    Fourth, no one in Hollywood takes Paris Hilton seriously as an actor.

    Granted, yes the names will be changed as the film will take place in America, as the average moviegoer can’t be expected to remember ten different difficult to pronounce names.

    You also must a have never seen a horror movie before, as hollywood just loves killing high school students in gruesome ways. Yes, granted, this movie probably won’t be about freshman anymore. Getting 40 14-year old kids would be difficult to cast and wouldn’t fly well with audiences. I bet that they will be changed to seniors, as nobody has a huge problem seeing 17-18 year old students getting shot and stabbed.

    Lastly, the reality show angle would work only if the writer/director is interested in inserting some social commentary about the flaws of reality television, but that isn’t likely.

  4. Nathan says:

    There’s no way this CAN’T fail miserably. I can’t wait to see it tank.

    OOH, OOH. I have a much BETTER idea for the film. Instead of kids, or college students… We’ll put famous American MOVIE DIRECTORS on the island! And to make things more satisfying than watching them hack eachother apart, we’ll do it in the tradition of BR2, and send in a special forces squad of pissed off BR fans to slaughter them. Yes, that will do nicely.

  5. Spoons…. damn… that’s vicious.

  6. Uncle Happy says:

    no, felix, i wil instead involve blunt bat-like objects. like bats. and spiked cleats. and spoons. oh yes, many many spoons.

  7. Ed:

    I think even AFTER I hear or see something, I won’t be satisfied. They could have Aja working on this with a carte blanche on story, and I still wouldn’t be happy, because I still don’t see what could be accomplished by this that couldn’t be accomplished by simply re-releasing this in the US with a wide release.

    It’d cost less money, make more, and wouldn’t take away the dignity of the original.

  8. Uncle Happy:

    Will it involve needles, and all sorts of pointy objects?

  9. Ed says:

    Your article scares me primarily because it could be true. I feel as though there’s no way you can really remake Battle Royale without softening it up for American audiences. Kinda defeats the purpose, don’t you think?
    I’ll remain outspoken against this movie until I see or hear something to change my mind. Somehow, I’m not seeing that happening however.

  10. Uncle Happy says:

    I promise that if they screw this up someone will die in a very painful manner.

  11. Felix says:


    It’s not hard to get into the mindset of a studio exec. Just smash your head into a wall and start writing.

  12. stina says:

    thought-provoking. even if you were only 2% serious with your treatment, that exactly how the remake should be done.

    college students dont kill each other (they only rape each other from time to time)– theyre more likely to be killed by Ted Bundy incarnate or go missing.

Join our Film Threat Newsletter

Newsletter Icon