By Felix Vasquez Jr. | February 19, 2008

I made a decision this year, I’m not even trying to guess who will win at the Oscars.

Because, I’ll just call a duck a duck and say that when it comes to guessing winners, I suck. Six times I tried that Oscar sweepstakes s**t, and I lost all six times. I only made it out with three or four right guesses, last year.

This year I’ll have some Diet Pepsi, chips, and watch in my beach chair hoping to see some Ellen Page goodness, anxiously awaiting “Falling Slowly,” praying we don’t get those weird contortionists making shapes between presentations, and hoping “Juno” wins one of the bigger awards. I know, it won’t, but still, there’s hope.

Now sure, scoff, but I like the Oscars. It’s a fun night, and you may pretend to be above it, but you’ll see it, you know you will. Just so you can pretend you were above it the whole four hours, and then mock the ceremony. It will happen, don’t lie.

It’ll also be sad to see another ceremony without Roger Ebert; all the best to him.
I’ll be on Film Threat Sunday chatting along with some of the regular staff members on the boards, so be there and join in if ye want. So, rather than even attempting to guess the winners, I’ll instead make a list of ten things I hope to see during the Oscar ceremony, so…
Here’s what I’m hoping to see:

1. Depp is so angered at Day Lewis winning, the two get into a sword fight in the crowd.
2. Page, so annoyed that she lost “Best Actress” to Julie Christie, jumps up and screams, “Oh come on, she won’t even be alive in two years!”
3. The beautiful “Falling Slowly” is sung by David Alan Grier and Nathan Lane.
4. Daniel Day Lewis comes dressed as Daniel Plainview and even sports his Sean Connery accent sneering wickedly throughout the ceremony with a small boy standing beside him the entire time.
5. Smug that he stole the Best Actor Oscar from Day-Lewis, Tommy Lee Jones, with a smile, proclaims, “Nayw, Ah Drink Your Milkshake!”
6. Someone at sometime will say “Friend-O.” This seems more likely to happen.
7. Saoirse Ronan’s name is completely mispronounced in variations of Source, Sears, Soars, and Sershey.
8. While presenting with Marion Cotillard, Charlize Theron asks “Are you related to my maid?”
9. While accepting his award for “Sicko,” Michael Moore goes on a rant about the poor US Healthcare and begins to weep when he sees that the audience agrees with him and cheers him on.
10. In an attempt to liven things up, all the presentors have to drop down a large slide to the podium. Even Ruby Dee.

So See you Sunday!

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  1. I agree. I LOVED Juno, but I was extremely skeptical when it garnered so many awards. Juno for best picture? Nyah.

  2. Dave Lawler says:

    Juno? Seriously. Juno? It was a pleasant diversion at best, but hardly a contender. When it comes to laugh-out-loud comedy ( avery hard qualification come Oscar time), my vote goes to Superbad; that’s what humor is supposed to be – funny.

  3. Juno was a close second. “No Country” just took it.

  4. Nathaniel says:

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Ellen Page & Juno. No Country for Old Men & Juno tied for my favorite film of last year.

  5. Matt Leon says:

    The Ocsar’s are like E! u say it hate it with a passion but end up watching it for a few hrs then realize what your doing and go WTF!? then finish watching the show. and on a sidenote, GO Ellen Page! Hard Candy & Juno she’s a superstar

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