Okay, that’s it. My summer of movies has been completely pissed on. Just about everything I’ve seen in the theaters this summer has been a complete bucket of dicks. But here was “XXX”…it was gonna save the summer for me. It was gonna make me freak out and do cartwheels up and down the theater aisles it was gonna be so good. Well, things just didn’t work out that way. I got hosed, Jimmy. I got hosed.
We meet our hero Xander (Vin “you let me down real bad” Diesel) as he rips off a politician’s car, quickly rigs it with cameras before the police can catch up with him and then runs it off a bridge, taping the whole thing in the name of keeping rap music and videogames on store shelves. Yes, Xander is an extreme sports criminal with a message and his wild antics that are taped and broadcast on the internet have made him an underground star. Having barely any time to celebrate his latest escapade, Xander is busted. But instead of being sent to prison, the NSA decides to use him as a secret agent to infiltrate a group of Russian terrorists in Prague who have disguised themselves as some kind of party promoters and hot rod peddlers. This obviously makes way for a lot of flash, loud music and scantily clad girls as Xander accepts the mission and is shipped off to Prague to fight for his country. This also makes way for a lot of retarded action scenes. Let me make this clear, I loved “The Fast and the Furious” and this is mostly why I was so amped for “XXX”. I came expecting a good time, a kick a*s action movie, but I got a ham-handed two hour commercial for the soundtrack instead.
With “XXX”, I’ve never seen the PG-13 rating used more literally. This film is aimed straight at 13-year-old boys. There are so many sloppy references to videogames and rock bands that if you’re not in your early teens, you’ll feel as if the movie is ignoring you. The movie even fesses up to its catering to kids. In a scene where a tech/weapons nerd meets Xander in Prague to supply him with various spy friendly gadgetry, the nerd hands Xander a pair of X-ray binoculars, saying, “This is every little boy’s dream.” Yes, you can say the same thing about the movie too.
It’s this little boy mentality that takes all of the piss and fire right out of what could have been THE action film of the year. Yeah, there are plenty of over-the-top action sequences, but they’re just not as fun when you feel as if you’re being treated like a child. There’s one snowboard scene towards the end of the film, however that actually makes you sit up and take notice. If they would’ve done this one scene for the full two hours of the film,I would’ve been a happy camper. But no. There’s a lot of goofy spy game crap going on, peppered with lesser quality action sequences.
Ugh. I’m just so depressed and disappointed right now. I need a shoulder to cry on.
