Zach Daniel and Chambliss Schneider’s No Milk Today is a curiously comedic take on how PTSD, a milk fetish, and a rash internet purchase can make a fire out of a floundering marriage.
Tommy (Ryan A. Phillips) is a man who likes his milk. In fact, his connection to the substance was born out of tragedy. See, Tommy is ex-military, and he’s seen some crazy crap under fire. Nothing crazier than the poor cow he crushed whilst plummeting from an aircraft. The death of the bovine left a bit of a dint in Tommy’s soul, so now, he crushes fresh milk out of remembrance for that cow to whom he owes his life.
Tommy sits in bed with his quietly quitting spouse, Janeese (Vennela Medapati), who listens to him bitch as she falls asleep about how it’s so hard to get decent milk, and why don’t they just deliver milk to your door like they used to?
As Janeese checks out completely, Tommy stumbles across a website that has an answer to all his dairy wants and desires. With a click of his thumb, the job is done. Fresh milk is on its way, in more ways than one.
“With a click of his thumb, the job is done. Fresh milk is on its way, in more ways than one.”
The next day, with his wife away, Tommy waits anxiously. Suddenly, the milk truck appears. The milk deliverer (Dee Fletcher Mac), aka Wichita Jones, soon shows. Tommy watches from the window as the milk deliverer arrives, but refuses to leave.
“Aren’t they just supposed to drop it and go?” Tommy debates with himself before opening the door. Mr. Jones is a rather impressive-looking fellow. He offers to take the milk inside before enjoying a class with Tommy in order to sample the quality. Then Mr. Jones drops his bomb.
He isn’t a milk deliverer, but an escort. Then Janeese walks in. Things go from awkward to interesting to erotic as the great calcium calamity clicks in Janeese’s mind as just the thing their relationship needed. So, on a day when all he was after was a glass of fresh milk, Tommy gets himself swayed, slayed, and laid. All conveniently home-delivered.
Well, the next time this reviewer goes to the fridge looking for a glass of good old dairy fresh, he might pause a second and spare a chuckle, as you should too, for the fleetingly funny frolic that is No Milk Today. You’ll never look at cows, milk or escorts again, in the same way.
"…You’ll never look at cows, milk or escorts again, in the same way."
