Director-writer J. Davis manages to make suicidal ideation humorous in his film I Hate Myself and Want to Die. Jacob (Mike Castle) is a 30 year old whose life has hit a speed bump. His efforts at a career as a comic book writer and illustrator have come to nothing, and his fiance has cheated on him. He moves back in with his mother, and at the outset of the film he is bent on ending his life. He makes an attempt by routing the tailpipe of his mother’s Subaru into the cabin. He awaits sweet release while listening to a favorite song, but nothing happens. He has failed to research the fact that the modern catalytic converter removes Carbon Monoxide from exhaust fumes. When his mother, Sue (Meredith Salenger), calls and wants her car back he drives home to pick her up.
The rest of his day becomes a comedy of errors as one catastrophe after another propels him into other people’s drama. He discovers a stowaway hiding in the back seat when he drops his mother off at Aunt Christina’s (Leonora Pitts) house. His teenage cousin Hayley (Ali Gallo) surprises him and he almost crashes. After a series of misadventures involving Hayley’s older boyfriend, Jacob calls his friend Russell (Andre Hyland) to help out.
Russell is a stoner man-child, perfectly at ease with his arrested development. However, being similarly stalled-out in life is the same thing driving Jacob to end it all. Over the course of the film, Jacob is reminded of better days and positive parts of his life. Reconnecting with Hayley makes him examine his situation with a different perspective.
“…at the outset of the film he is bent on ending his life…”
This is the best kind of comedy: one with a serious matter at its core. Despite the lip-service of suicide-prevention presented by social media, the issue has been buried under euphemisms like “un-aliving.” We are also told to say that someone “died by suicide” rather than having “killed themselves.” This is disrespectful, denying the person the agency they clearly sought and achieved in terms of control of their own destiny. If you can’t even say it, how can you deal with it?
Davis tackles this head-on with dark humor and characters pulled from familiar archetypes we know and love. Russell is the wacky best buddy. Jacob is the lovable loser. Hayley is the bratty little sister (cousin in this case). I Hate Myself and Want to Die also recalls favorite Gen-X films like Better Off Dead and Clerks. If Jacob and Russell were played by Dante and Randal, this would still work perfectly. Jacob gives the “I’m not even supposed to be here today” vibe throughout the whole film. The entire narrative is a series of diversions distracting him from his dramatic, emo exit from this plane of existence. He’s so inept that the only thing in existential danger is the Subaru.
The film is brutally honest in its depiction of the ultimate banality of these events. If Jacob had succeeded on his first try, the world would spin on the same as always. Mike Castle as Jacob paints a sympathetic picture of a decent man who is going through it. With a title borrowed from a snarky Nirvana song, tight pacing, solid performances, and enough hi-jinks to take the edge off the idea of, you know, offing yourself, I Hate Myself and Want to Die is a funny, thoughtful trip to the edge.
"…a funny, thoughtful trip to the edge..."
