Writer-director David Zagorski’s H***y Teenagers Must Die! has a title that articulates the premise of every late-night horror date movie ever made. It’s a comedy-horror hybrid if you couldn’t tell from the tell. With a knowing wink and promises of blood and nudity, how can you lose? The film naturally tries and has some moments of success, yet never quite delivers as it is unsure if it wants to be a slasher film in line with The Cabin in the Woods or a comedy like American Pie.
The athletic Roman (Ravel Bueno) has just graduated high school. To celebrate, he and his best friends are traveling to a cabin in the woods. He’s accompanied by girlfriend Anya (Sthefany Lamoureux), the virginal Jenna (Alicia McNeill), the out-of-place nerd Eliott (Chhoyang Cheshatsang), perpetually h***y Ryan (Connor Holden), and the practical Rachel (Torie Jock). Getting there is easy enough, and soon, booze-fueled sex begins.
Suddenly, people start to die. Many blame the mysterious, loner Jenna sprang on them at the last minute. Oddly, the picture and the choice of who the slasher is have unintentional echoes of an older worldview of sexuality, clearly “Christian values” kind of a thing. For all its title and liberal views on lust, which, to my irritation, the actors continually refer to as “having sex,” the film is not rampantly sexual. This is unfortunate, as the Zagorski could have had fun with the prudish attitudes of religious folks while highlighting the rage-inducing raging hormones the titular teens cannot help but feel. Sadly, that is not the case.
“…traveling to a cabin in the woods…suddenly, people start to die.”
But H***y Teenagers Must Die! should be applauded for attempting several scenes of nudity that small pictures usually avoid or do sloppily. That type of material takes trust and experience in both the performances and their faith in the director and crew. While the actors are sometimes uneven, the sex and nudity moments never feel uncomfortable or forced. This film had an intimacy coordinator on set, which helps explain how natural and easy everyone felt with the more naughty bits of the story.
Ultimately, though, independent horror succeeds thanks to style and fun. Zagorski hits with some well-done practical gore. While the comedy often skews juvenile, there’s a lot of toilet humor, and there are still several funny moments throughout. Some of the kills involve personal pleasure devices, and this comedy is low-brow, with the sex in clever and stupid ways.
H***y Teenagers Must Die! is certainly a watchable film. It contains every element one can find in the genre and clearly wants to be a cult film. Like love and lust, wanting and achieving are different things. Still, due to the silliness and gore, this is worth your time, if just for the sexual pleasure device death scene.
"…contains every element one can find in the genre and clearly wants to be a cult film."
