Destroy All Girls

For anyone who has ever wanted to run away with the fair, check out the decent in-line skating indie drama Destroy All Girls, directed by Erin Vassilopoulos, from a screenplay by Vassilopoulos and Flo Linus Baumann, with additional writing by stars Ani Mesa-Perez and Gil Perez-Abraham. Alex (Ani Mesa-Perez) is stuck in Jersey and loves to go skating in the park with her famous rollerblading brother, Gabriel (Gil Perez-Abraham). They would take their old video camera with them to film tricks. However, there was a horrible accident, leaving Gabriel in a wheelchair. Alex has to help him with his basic needs, all the while making sure he doesn’t get strung out on his pain medication. She fights with her Mama (Florencia Lozano) over never wearing dresses, and butts heads with her stepdad (Alfredo Narciso) over everything.

“Living out of a van, the group travels from park to park, living off the fat of the asphalt.”

One day, while filming at the local skate park, Alex runs into Scotsman Cameron (Dominic Bruce), who is part of a traveling skater gang called Prosper. They are hitting all the skating spots in the area, hoping to get a chance at sponsors for tournaments out in Los Angeles. Cameron invites Alex to head across the bridge with them to check out the New York City skate parks. Alex rarely goes to the city, but she ends up taking off with them, filming their skate stunts. Living out of a van, the group travels from park to park, living off the fat of the asphalt. Cameron’s ambition to make it in the skating world takes priority over everything, even the child he left behind in Scotland. Meanwhile, Alex keeps getting panicked voicemails from her mother, as she doesn’t know where Alex is, and is about to report her missing…

The problem with a brilliant title is how it unfairly cranks up expectations. The classic example is The Doom Generation, one of the best titles of the 90s that in no way could live up to the moniker’s potential. We unfortunately have some of that here, because for a movie called Destroy All Girls, this is surprisingly mostly a sausage party. I’m talking lots of dudes in full kielbasa mode, acting like restless junior high hyenas, spinning boredom into obnoxiousness. Was I the only one who assumed the Jersey girl was going to join a group of women in-line skaters in NYC? Am I the only one who thinks that would be a fun film to watch? The source of the title turns out to be a cryptic gag written on a T-shirt tag, which only makes the gulf between how cool the title is and the movie you get wider.