What is it that draws dope smokers like tinsel-covered hyaenas to the carcasses of failed Christmas blockbusters? Let’s make a list and check it twice. One factor is pure pot persnicketiness, as traditionally, cannabis users have embraced what is rejected by the mainstream. Another is how the stoned perspective will latch onto the sense of wonder from the visual splendors while ignoring twaddle-like story quality or depth. Some of these big-budget holiday bombs were actually good movies that just didn’t click with audiences at that moment. Of course, others are truly terrible pictures that still have enough twinkling lights in the turd pile to justify staring at the steaming heap while in a long winter’s stupor. Not knowing exactly what kind of bomb we are dealing with, Film Threat’s desert research lab has been researching which weeds will best diffuse even the biggest Yuletide box office explosive. To get into the holiday spirit, our bomb squad deployed to the oldest marijuana dispensary in Arizona, Southern Arizona Integrated Therapies, or SAINTS, in Tucson. SAINTS oversees a splendid grow that offers some dandy legacy strains and hot newcomers. It is with this grass that we will roll huge walrus tusk-sized joints that are affectionally referred to as “bombers.” With SAINTS’ herbal medicine packed up in pretty purple bags, we loaded up the sleigh and headed into the peppermint-striped mushroom clouds of Christmas bombs, the like of which even God has never gotten around to seeing.
“Santa Claus The Movie has a surprisingly well-paced origin story and then goes into a clever condemnation of capitalism.”
Starting with the most recent Christmas crater was 2019’s Last Christmas, directed by Paul Feig. With the director’s blockbuster pedigree and a screenplay that Emma Thompson worked on based on the beloved song by George Michael, there were high expectations that this would pack them all through the season. Instead, it sputtered out of the gate in early November and was already leftovers when Thanksgiving arrived, grossing a measly $35 million in the US. So, to approach a holiday clinker with a reception as stinky as this one, I rolled up a big bomber of Sour Diesel. A classic supergroup pairing of Super Skunk with Chemdawg, this stinky lung log has enough numbing qualities to kill any pain. As that sweet stank blanketed my nerve endings, I found myself impervious to any annoyance, melting into the big city sparkle of London during Christmas. I wasn’t even bothered by the trip into George Michael’s deep-cut territory; honestly, I left Wham! after their “Bad Boys” single. The Sour Diesel also kept me hazy enough not to abandon Last Christmas because Emilia Clarke’s protagonist is not that likable. Her Kate is an unseemly drunken homeless Bridget Jones type that comes across like a bleary c**t that will have many stopping the stream early. It turns out these personality blights are on purpose, and a Christmas romance will change her into a much more stomachable character. It’s one of those movies that is completely stupid until it does something that makes it suddenly completely brilliant. So, sending plumes of Sour Diesel up your chimney will plant you firmly enough on the couch to find the plum in this Christmas pudding.
“It’s one of those movies that is completely stupid until it does something that makes it suddenly completely brilliant.”
The next December disasterpiece is The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, which was Disney’s attempt to turn the seasonal ballet into a fantasy franchise, sort of some Lord of the Sugar Plums jazz. Once again, this movie had excellent directors Lasse Hallstrom and Joe Johnston steering the ship. However, at the beginning of November 2018, it debuted as a Disney blockbuster with a low of $20 million and dwindled from there. These returns were nowhere near the marriage made in heaven that Disney was dreaming of, so I broke out some Wedding Cake strain weed from SAINTS. This frisky flower is Triangle Kush crossed with Animal Mints. It is like placing your mind on a frisbee and throwing it straight at the moon. Suddenly, the aesthetic of all the painted wooden toys began to make sense, as if someone had put a wind-up key in my lungs. The melding of the cinema dreamscape with the veil to your subconscious that the Wedding Cake provides will have you marching with the tin soldiers in no time. I really don’t know what any of this has to do with the story of the ballet The Nutcracker. It seems like they just exchanged dainty dancers for steampunk action figures. However, the giant Victorian lady robot stomping through the spooky forest is an awesome Christmas image, especially when you’re stoned. A well-rolled table leg of Wedding Cake will put some eight-mile high point shoes on your cortex so you can dance down your own spine.
“…the giant Victorian lady robot stomping through the spooky forest is an awesome Christmas image…”
Last, we arrive at the great white whale of Christmas catastrophes, Santa Claus The Movie. This big jolly bomb from the Superman producers was, in 1985, the most expensive movie ever made at $55 million, and it only made less than half of that at the box office. It turns out that nobody wanted to see a modern special effects movie about Santa Claus. However, there is a juicy McDonald’s product placement included, and you know how that brings the stoners. What better weed to leave out, like milk and cookies, than SAINTS’ legendary GMO Cookies strain? Also known as garlic cookies, this creamy cross between Chemdawg and Girl Scout Cookies will turn that white-bearded boredom into bright-eyed oblivion. The narcotic Girl Scout Cookies side will make you one with the corniness, while the psychedelic Chemdawg side will have your senses surfing on cotton candy. There is a scene where the reindeer are first fed what looks like handfuls of weed covered in suspicious-looking magic dust that makes them able to fly, which you must hold a big hit into.
Santa Claus The Movie has a surprisingly well-paced origin story and then goes into a clever condemnation of capitalism. It seems very much like a Superman movie with John Lithgow as the Lex Luthor-like Toymaker. If you smoke a sleeping bag-sized honker of GMO Cookies, this may start sounding like a good idea to you as it did the producers. Pity they never got around to that Easter Bunny movie in the mold of Supergirl. Think of these unloved cinematic mammoths as giant broken-down Santa’s Playland theme parks, just waiting for a back of wayward burners to break in and vandalize their hearts out. So give a holiday nod to the eighth on the shelf while rolling big bombers for all the candy cane-colored bombs ready to drop this season.
