Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher, Found Footage saints, have put together an all new show featuring mostly new footage from videos they’ve found at thrift stores, garage sales and crime scenes. Just as in Volume One, this DVD contains the full live show they take on tour around the country, as well as the option to view all of the found footage clips on their own. I gotta say, these guys are definitely getting better at rolling out this show. They even shot a few things themselves as in-between filler that are absolutely hilarious.
But listed below is what you’ve really come for. This is what you will find on “The Found Footage Festival, vol. 2” DVD:
Jack Rebney: World’s Angriest RV Salesman ^Here it is – the oldie, but goodie. No matter how much wacky footage is found out there, nothing tops the edited together outtakes of this guy struggling to maintain his sanity while hocking Minni-Winnies on an industrial video, flubbing all of his lines and then losing that sanity, exploding into a furious arraul assault of four letter words, petty threats and fart noises. With the filthy mouth on this guy, you’d figure he’d be trying to hustle used college co-ed panties rather than RVs. Sounds like someone needs a refill on their Xanax.
Nobody makes being angry as cool and entertaining as Jack Rebney does – not even Axl Rose.
Stairway to Stardom ^ Before “Star Search” or “American Idol,” there was public access’ own “Stairway to Stardom, featuring the motliest crew of comedically awful singers, dancers, performance artists, whatever. The performers are kinda like what you get when a certain family member ends up downing too much egg nog during a family holiday get-together and decides that iiiiiiit’s SHOWTIME…to the overwhelming dismay of the rest of the fam. Difficult to watch…like Michael Bay’s “Transformers” or b********y porn.
Rap Montage ^ Rap music may be the worst thing to ever happen to white suburbia (besides Hometown Buffet) and this collection of nauseating clips is proof. Found here is a white “Average Homeboy” rapping about how dull he is, a “Rappin’ Jewish Mama,” a line-up of expectant mothers doing the “Prego Shuffle,” a couple goofball pirates and their rapping puppet matey, rhymes about acne and fire safety and other mortifying nonsense. None of these people should be carrying a tune in public much less rap. It’s funny stuff, but it’ll also make you wanna drown things.
Queens Home Movie ^ Totally unedited home movie footage taken from a videotape left in a camcorder sold at an estate sale in Queens, New York features what goes on behind closed doors at family gatherings and that’s generally people on their worst behavior. A creepy highlight (lowpoint) of the video finds a half naked elderly man donning a wig and shimmying to “The Phantom of the Opera” soundtrack.
Before you’re frightened to death of this Manson Family gathering, the video quickly cuts to footage of a home being demolished and some nosy wisenheimer on the street demanding to know why the cameraman is shooting the wreckage. To this the cameraman replies – “I don’t have to fuckin’ explain anything to anybody! Up yours!”
Celebrities Who Teach ^ From Gary Coleman teaching safety tips, to Alan Thicke and Orco from “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” providing pointers on how to survive your parents’ divorce, to Henry Winkler and his unfortunate greaser alter-ego the Fonz trying to scare us into not letting anyone touch our bathing suit area, to the NRA and Jason Priestly teaching gun safety, to Mr. T introducing the word “absoludicrous” into our vocabulary, to Bugs Bunny teaching us drug slang, to some pervert in a park singing about penises and vulvas – it’s obvious that kids in the 80s were completely f****d. No wonder there are so many misguided a******s wandering around today. Harumph.
Religious Showdown 2 ^ Two men enter, one world suffers. This segment fearures clips from two different televangelists, leading a frightened Found Footage Festival audience to pick their favorite guy, or rather who’s the biggest douche.
In one corner we have Mark Fox, a Humpty Dumpty looking guy who loves to sing gayly about Jesus. Not so awful I guess, but it’s his genital withering cartoon child voice that will find people burning their Bibles in the streets.
In the other corner there’s Jonathan Bell, a super catty albino who abandoned his life as a beauty salon owner to scream about how life sucks on television…in the name of THE LORD! “I live in a one bedroom apartment and I don’t even have a car right now! Someone stole my car two weeks ago…and I can’t get it back!”
Boring Montage ^ Living up to its name, this segment features clips from videotaped business seminars and meetings. Finally Nick and Joe have found footage that has no entertainment value whatsoever. Realizing this midway, they insert picture in picture video of Truckasaurus shredding old jalopies and topless women arm wrestling because monster trucks and boobs are a wealth of entertainment and they make the world go round.
E-Z Catch ^ Promotional clip for a chicken harvesting machine that’s supposed to be “labor friendly”…for farmers maybe but not for the f*****g chickens! This chicken sucker looks like something out of a GWAR video as it scoops up loads of chickens with its rubber french tickler fingers. Sounds spooky. I know. But then the Benny Hill theme kicks in and the comedy ensues. Oh, the laughs.
Dance Montage ^ A lot of videotape has been wasted on dumb dance instructional videos. This segment features some of the most embarrassing wastes out there: “Learn the Art of Dancing Dirty” has an unattractive latino couple showing us, basically, how to cop a feel to a beat; a break dancing instructional vid takes the sacred art of breaking and makes it look royally uncool – thrill to the site of some bozo teaching us how to do the Electric Boogie as he holds a light bulb in his mouth…did I say “thrill,” I meant throw your beer can at the screen; “Diane Horner’s Country Hip-Hop” brings two great flavors together at last; “Swayze Dancing” finds a group of dance students seeking guidance from Patrick Swayze’s mother so that they too can be pro dirty dancers. Patrick Swayze makes a guest appearance and he looks as if his life has been threatened with rape by grizzly bear to do so. Plenty of other clips included here that will ensure you steer clear of dance floors for the rest of your life.
Astrology Songs by Harvey Sid Fisher ^ Los Angeles native, crooner and likeable weirdo, Harvey Sid Fisher sings songs about all of the signs of the zodiac. What’s more, he’s videotaped himself doing so with interpretive dancers performing beside him. The songs and performances are scarier than the Zodiac killer. Maybe Harvey is the Zodiac killer….hmmmmmmmm…
How to Seduce Women Through Hypnosis ^ Uber-creepy instructional video where some dork practically drenched in vagina repellent manages to talk his way into a woman’s home for a hypnosis session. Once he puts her under, he…well, let’s just say the word “h***y” comes up and the two end up humping at the end of the clip. Did I mention this clip is really, really creepy? Everyone involved should be publicly burned at the stake.
Health and Beauty Round-Up ^ Contains ridiculous promo clips for the hair chopping classic Flowbee; a weird horror movie slasher mask that shocks your face into rejuvenation as you wear it; and saline nasal cleansing. I don’t really have anything funny to say other than that featured here also are promo clips for Nad’s…huh, huh, huh…Nad’s.
This Week in Public Access ^ Lovers of weird TV and bootleg drugs know to go to their public access channel for some barely tolerable, yet fascinating viewing. This segment contains some of the recent best in public access, including a bratty kid who reviews Disneyland attractions; a sleazy used car salesman selling books on lyme disease out in the middle of the forest; some crazy old fart hosting a talk show with plush dolls of Tweety and Bugs Bunny as guests; a stripper comic; and some goth douche spouting awful poetry – probably would’ve been how Marilyn Manson turned out if he hadn’t ever taken acid.
Exercise Video Montage #3 ^ Just like lame dance instructional videos, there’s a wealth of exceedingly ridonkulous exercise vids floating around out there in the world. The Found Footage guys have rounded up some of the shittiest and put together this montage featuring Marky Mark’s urban friendly fitness video; a “Dancin’ Grannies” exercise program starring a bunch of good old girls who could probably kick your a*s at the hokey pokey; OJ talking about letting off some stress which includes explosions and shootings; Pat Boone in not such a metal mood; “Dr. Hamner’s Caveman Workout” where a Kris Kringle on Slim-Fast looking dude pretty much just beats the f**k out of himself; and a little something called “Disrobics” where a bunch of guys…well, I don’t wanna ruin the surprise…but it involves A BUNCH OF DUDES SLAPPING THEIR COCKS AROUND! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
More Jack Rebney! ^ New footage I’ve never seen before features our favorite human being gibbering like a cranky old frontiersman. Very little actual English language in this segment.
More Stairway to Stardom ^ Yes, more amateur performances that make you realize how great malt liquor is. Highlight is a guy who comes off as Will Ferrell doing a lounge singer character who’s a cross between Anton Lavey and Barney Bear.
There you have it. Psychotronic freaks – you need this.
