YOU'RE COOL ENOUGH TO START YOUR OWN WEBSITE, HUH?

Dear Film Critic/News Basement Website Creator of the Future,

Hey, how’s it going? You living in mommy’s basement still? The reason I am writing you is because I’ve been bumping into a lot of you guys on the festival circuit lately, and I have to say, you are f*****g it up for the rest of us “internet journalists” and I am tired of it.

I write to you from wonderful Las Vegas, where something happened to me that finally pushed me over the edge. I was chatting with some chap and he mentioned to me how he just embarked on a journey to the internet – he now has his own film related website. He then tells me about some of his festival stories and some celebrities he has come across.

What he told me next pissed me off more than anything has in long time. And I am one of those angry guys, so say some of my close relations anyway, so I’m not hard to piss off. But this story killed me – my fists clenched.

“Yeah, so I handed (insert celebrity name here) a copy of my script, you know, so I could have a contact… to see if I can get something going.”

I thought, “You stupid f*****g a*****e.”

When you cruise the festival circuit, and you write for something on the “internet” and you tell someone this, sometimes, not everytime but sometimes, people give me that look like, Oh, you don’t write for a real publication?”

I’ve often wondered why this happens. But now I know the answer. I’ve met too many of you socially retarded a******s both on and off the circuit to know you’re styles and mannerisms. I have some pieces of advice for you room-dwelling freaks you should take into consideration.

1. Leave your room/basements from time to time. Sunlight is good for you pastey pieces of toxic waste.
2. Friends are a good thing – make friends! Your social skills suck. When you see a celebrity, don’t make stupid, “I loved you in this or that,” comments. Try and start a casual conversation with them, and not about the mac and cheese your mom made you for dinner.
3. Take a shower. I am not stereotyping here but a lot of you dirty clowns smell. Seriously.
4. Don’t even think about bringing a script to a festival party because you are here under the pretense of being a journalist, not a filmmaker.
5. Don’t tell them you wrote something for them either.
6. As Mark Bell once said, “Don’t bum-rush a celebrity.” This means, don’t bumble on up to them the second they get in the door. Wait until they’ve been there for a bit.
7. Don’t interrupt them when they are on the phone or in the middle of a conversation with someone else. You don’t like it, so why do you think they would?

Also, don’t just watch movies that are new and on the mainstream. I bump into some of you that can bring up every Quentin Tarantino flick but has no idea who Akira Kurosawa is.

I must be going though. I have interviews to conduct. If I see you doing this again, I won’t hesitate kicking you in the teeth. Abel Ferrara and I will have no problem taking you little smelly, socially retarded a******s on.

Suck it,

Michael Ferraro

Abel Ferrara and Michael Ferraro – Kings of Vegas