Look what landed in Film Threat’s lap. Just in time for the 20th Anniversary re-release of “E.T.”, it’s “Turkish E.T.” – a film that I’m sure has melted more brains than hearts since its creation.
I’d first like to say that when you’re reviewing something with a title beginning with the word “Turkish” and finishing with the name of a popular film, like “Star Wars,” “Star Trek” or “Wizard of Oz,” you’re playing on a completely different ballgame. The old rules simply don’t apply here. Normally, Turkish Star Wars, not only being a completely rotten film, but a blatant rip-off of a number of sci-fi properties, would garner the lowest rating possible. If a film could get less than half a star, Turkish Star Wars would go there. But when you go to watch a film called Turkish Star Wars, you’re not out to see good cinema…at least, I sure as hell hope you’re not. No, you’re more than likely thinking to yourself that this may indeed be the ultimate party tape that will make you the envy of your friends and possibly get you laid. Actually, if anyone out there got laid because of Turkish Star Wars, I’d like to hear about it! Anyways, this is the kind of scrutiny that these films are under. The bigger the train wreck, the higher the rating. So it’s no surprise that elsewhere on this site, Turkish Star Wars received a much-deserved five-star rating. Now that’s a train wreck of colossal proportions.
With that being said, I’d like to call your attention to the two measly little stars up there at the top of this review. Yes, I share your disappointment. A Turkish rip-off of “E.T.” should’ve been a complete riot, but I found myself yawning more than doubling over with hysterical laughter.
Originally titled “Badi”, this film pretty much follows the story of the real “E.T.” movie with a few changes here and there, which I will discuss later. Right now I wanna say that what you really want to see this film for is to get a good eyeful of Turkey’s version of a lovable alien. Seriously, this extra-terrestrial looks like a giant penis with legs, misshapen slinky arms and a fixed expression face that looks similar to the one on the creature in Frank Henenlotter’s “Basket Case”. That’s actually some spooky s**t right there. This E.T. is the last thing I wanna run up and give a hug to, I don’t care if it’s a kid in brown jammies with a d******d. I ain’t touching the damn thing unless it’s with a machete. And apparently I’m not the only one scared shitless of this thing as I counted two characters going down, clutching their chests after seeing this creature. It’s not just that it’s horrifying to look at, but it also makes sounds of an old man dying a slow, painful death.
The kids aren’t afraid of E.T., though. Oh no. And this is where one of the major differences between films comes along. Instead of being hidden away at the house of the little boy that finds him for most of the movie where it can get loaded on beer and dress up in drag, this E.T. is rather quick to get out in public – resulting in the aforementioned heart attacks. Actually, I think there are three heart attacks that occur now that I think of it. In one scene, E.T. just strolls right into the little boy’s classroom for all to see. Upon seeing it, the classroom teacher has a heart attack and slumps over at his desk. I think the filmmakers were trying to say that children in Turkey are really stupid, or really lonely as all of the kids gather around to make friends with the monstrosity. But there’s more fun to be had than just giving their teacher a heart attack, there’s a fair that they all take E.T. to, in plain sight, for him get in on a little bumper car action. But the fun doesn’t last and the fuzz arrive to break up the festivities. The kids scramble and in all of the chaos, the little boy loses E.T. I know, it really broke my heart too.
Fortunately, using his alien detector, because they’re readily available in Turkey, a nice old man finds E.T. out in the middle of nowhere, sick. He brings the creature back home to the little boy and they throw it in bed. Not long after, a crowd of people gather outside of the home, some offering their prayers to the creature while others are ready to stomp a mudhole in its a*s. Healing rather quickly, E.T. levitates himself, the little boy and a select group of kids on a bike, basket thing where they fly over Turkey, evading an impending hassling by the police. They touch down in a forest where a spaceship awaits to take the creature home. You know how the rest goes. This is the scene that’s supposed to tug on your heartstrings as the kids each say their tearful goodbyes. Thing is, these kids are overdoing it with the waterworks. You’d think E.T. had magically placed lumps of burning coal in their bellies as they seem to be crying more from a gut-wrenching pain than a sad goodbye.
I know what I described must sound fun to you, but know that it’s just a small portion of the film. Not a whole lot happens throughout the rest of the movie. Well, it seems like not a whole lot happens because I don’t speak Turkish and there were no English subtitles to laugh over. If this thing had subs, I’m sure the film would be much funnier, but there just isn’t anything too funny about a bunch of kids running around Turkish streets jabbering to each other in a language I can’t understand. Oh well. This one’s for “Turkish” film completists only.
