[ 31. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE ] ^ Remember when Saturday Night Live used to be important? Remember when it used to at least be funny? The show just lost three of the people who could actually make you laugh (Tim Meadows, Cheri Oteri, Colin Quinn) but kept the idiots behind the unfunny sketch and unfunny movie, “A Night at the Roxbury”, Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell. Somebody needs to stop making recurring characters and start making jokes. Your free ride is coming to its final stop.
[ 32. HALEY JOEL OSMENT ] ^ You’re not that damn cute. We known exactly where your career is going, so say hello for us to Macauley Culkin and Gary Coleman when you get there.
[ 33. KEVIN SMITH ] ^ I hear his next film will be about a private detective, continuing his current series of movies with subjects he doesn’t know anything about. I’m sure there will be some comic book references and dick jokes in there too.
[ 34. MIKE MYERS ] ^ Loved Austin Powers. But after two recent failed projects (Scooby Doo, Sprockets) um, what else have you got?
[ 35. CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINMENT ] ^ Kids deserve better than this. Pokemon the Movie, Digimon the Movie, DigiPoke the Movie, etc… it’s all the same thing anyways. All of these imports are meant to squeeze every last dime of allowance from kids. Pick on someone your own size!
[ 36. ERIC SCHæFFER ] ^ Kissing supermodels doesn’t make your crap movies any better. Perhaps the world’s most irritating indie filmmaker.
[ 37. TRACI LORDS ] ^ The former teen porn princess was looking downright upwardly-mobile in the early-’90s with guest-starring gigs on “Roseanne” and “Melrose Place”. But with her current prospects seeming might paltry, can “Traci Takes Tiajuana” be far off? We love you Traci. Please come back.
[ 38. BJORK ] ^ The pint-sized Icelandic siren–whose voice literally sounds like a siren–dreams about song and dance numbers in her new flick “Dancer in the Dark”. Is it too much to ask for someone to step up and Fed-Ex another bomb to her?!
[ 39. NEVE CAMPBELL ] ^ Have you noticed the scarcity of this “Wild Thing” in 2000? Neither have we!
[ 40. QUENTIN TARANTINO ] ^ Nothing like striking while the iron is hot. S**t or get off the pot, man.
[ 41. DAVID DUCHOVNY ] ^ Okay, yeah, X-Files’ last few season have really sucked but what else are you going to do? It ain’t gonna be movies – we actually saw “Playing God” and “Return to Me.”
[ 42. RICHARD ROEPER ] ^ He takes milque toast to new heights. Do you even know who we’re talking about. He’s Roger Ebert’s new TV reviewing partner and from his banter on the show, it’s pretty clear he doesn’t know a thing about film. Was Richard a restaurant critic before this? How long has he even been reviewing movies? Roger, we know you wanted someone who wouldn’t overshadow you, but you settled on this guy?
[ 43. CHRIS GORE ] ^ After running successfully for six months and 22 episodes, his FX network show “The New Movie Show with Chris Gore” has virtually disappeared. The “never-or-rarely-quoted-in-the-ads” critic Gore is back on the X Show. So, what gives? (Shhhhh. I can’t talk about the syndication deal now. – Gore)
[ 44. NORA DUNN ] ^ Her protest of Andrew Dice Clay’s Saturday Night Live appearance went over well. Not! (Does anyone remember “not!”?) How long ago was that? Was she in “Three Kings” in a bit part or did we just imagine that?
[ 45. JOEY LAWRENCE ] ^ Changed his first name to Joseph, cut and dyed his hair, took a part in a “Scream”-ripoff horror film… and he still can’t act his way out of a paper bag.
[ 46. THE BALDWIN BROTHERS ] ^ Alec, Daniel, Billy, Stephen… just pick one.
[ 47. SALLY FIELD] ^ Director? Uh, no. As a director, we don’t like you. We really don’t like you.
[ 48. MINNIE DRIVER ] ^ She got dumped by Damon and now… who is she again?
[ 49. MATTHEW BRODERICK ] ^ Godzilla? Inspector Gadget? What’s next? Gumby?
[ 50. CHRIS O’DONNELL ] ^ For being alive. There are three words which will have us running from the theater: Starring Chris O’Donnell.
[ 50 and 1/2. JOEL SCHUMACHER ] ^ He’s one of Hollywood’s most prominent, openly gay directors, and he couldn’t even get a film about drag queens right. The 1970’s are over pal. After “Flatliners” and “Batman and Robin”, stop making movies set in a disco.
[ 51. THE MULTIPLEX ] ^ The race for new theatrical entertainment centers with over a dozen screens apiece has managed to shutter even San Francisco’s great old single-screen movie palaces. The result? Now nearly ever major theatre chain in North America is facing bankruptcy or restructuring from the cost of all that construction. A lose-lose for everybody.
— Carefully compiled by the editors of Film Threat, Chris Gore, Chris Parcellin, Ron Wells, Phil Hall, Brad Laidman, Stephanie Donnelly.
Check out FILMTHREAT.com’s FEATURE ARCHIVES and read hundreds of insightful stories, expert analysis, gut-busting satire and caustic commentary!
