PONTIFICATING…

So, I sat down at my computer chair, and stared at the blank screen. Normally, about this time, I go off on film websites, and try to find a topic. It usually comes to me at the last minute, and nine times out of ten stuff just pours out on the screen. But that night, it was that one time out of ten.

Nothing came to me. Nothing. For at least an hour, through the brainstorming, and scouring my room like Ray Bradbury at the opening of “Ray Bradbury Theater” when he’s gazing at his room of trinkets, and useless crap for inspiration. But alas, I’m not Ray Bradbury, and the stacks of magazines, and DVDs in my room weren’t screaming “inspiration” at that moment.

So I stopped trying and went off to read. Reading usually helps.

And suddenly it came to me twenty minutes later, like a ton of bricks. After I finished going to the bathroom, I decided to take another whack at the entry, and voila.

Thoughts of all sorts, thoughts that I felt warranted writing down were pouring out. Some controversial, some admittedly stupid, and some confusing. So, enjoy fair reader, and don’t be afraid to offer your own.

Why do people like “The Office”? I just don’t get it. It’s such a flat and mediocre cousin to the original. I mean, there’s rarely anything laugh out loud funny about it, and I just couldn’t understand why people went all orgasmic over Jim and Pam kissing. And now, the show’s been turned into a sitcom. No one looks at the camera anymore, we’re given more sweet moments than funny ones, there’s no sense of discomfort or awkwardness, and we don’t get the sense of monotony with this one. Why do people like it? It’s so unfunny and forced. Granted, I really enjoy Krasinski, Fischer, and Carrell, but they should be in better projects.

Why do people like “Last House on the Left”? Granted, it was an okay film, but not all what I’d heard of. Even then Wes Craven was afraid to show the blunt force of violence, and carnage. And that’s evident by the comedy relief throughout the film. We receive moments of merciless rage, and torture interrupted by two buffoons of cops stranded on a road, and THIS is the hardcore movie I’d heard of all these years? So disappointing.

I don’t know which commercials are worse, the “Gellin'” commercials, or the Geico commercials involving the celebrities. Who thought having Mini Me rapping beside a Hispanic man would be funny? I’m not laughing!

Why are movies about magicians popular all of a sudden? Was David Blaine correct? Will magicians rule the world by dumbfounding audiences with disappearing thumbs, and coins that appear from our ears as if from nowhere?

Why do people like “The Omen” remake? Are people that stupid? It’s a shot for shot remake, and people say this one is better but whenever it’s pointed out that saying the remake is better is essentially saying the original is good since they’re shot for shot, they basically just shrug it off never realizing how lame brained they sound. I mean, is Hollywood right? Are movie audiences as dumb as door nails?

Why did “Youtube” have to die? It’s like we had a video store of trinkets and treasures, and videos you’d never find on any normal shelf, and now it’s turning into Wal-Mart. Videos are being deleted, Google is taking over the internet, and now we’ll have safe videos of cats attacking babies, David Hasselhoff singing “Disco Duck,” and old women falling down stairs. And possibly be forced to pay to post, and or watch videos. That’s so depressing.

Why did “Runaway” have to get cancelled? I mean granted, the show probably wasn’t that good anyway, but Donnie Wahlberg needs the work, damn it. What’s he to do now? The last good role he had was in “Saw 2.” So, now what? Will he persuade Mark into starring alongside him in a cop movie? Why is life unfair?

Do you know they took away Habeas Corpus? Just throwing that out there.

Why does Hilary Duff look like a creepy clone of her sister now? Is she having facial reconstruction surgery to resemble her big sister? Is that what rich people do to emulate one another, or just the Duffs? Did they force her to look older, or is Haylie forcing all her family members to look like her? Did Duff die, and her sister rebuilt her from her DNA, and parts of her own?

I prefer David Tennant as Doctor Who over Christopher Eccleston. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of Eccleston and his acting ability is unquestionable, but Tennant looks like he’s having a damn good time playing the doctor as this whacky, eccentric, zany, but utterly dashing fellow, unlike Eccleston who seemed just slightly ditzy and giddy. But, then again, I’d be giddy too if I was in a phone booth with Billy Piper all the time.

I find the more films I watch with Hope Davis, the more I’m madly in love with her. She is beyond gorgeous. And sexy as hell. It’s wild how this woman never leaked onto newspapers and men magazines. Nah, it’s a good thing she never did.

Why another “Santa Clause” movie? The first was so sweet, the second was a paycheck, so why do we need another one with Martin Short? And why does he look like a speed freak stalwart from an experimental off-Broadway show in the Village?

I have this wonderful dream where Shawnee Smith has me trapped in one of her devices in a “Saw” scenario, and the only way I can leave is if I pick cherries off her naked body with my lips while she counts down in her sexy Southern drawl. Most times I usually win, and she enjoys it. I need a cold shower, now.