First, an obvious question: What the hell is a “naked bikini?” A second, not so obvious question: Where the hell would such a creature live? Finally, a third not at all obvious question: Why would anyone even consider watching something that sounds this dumb without having Ultra-Villain’s gun pointed directly at their skull?
This Australian-made clunker is every bit as moronic as its nonsensical title would suggest. Helmut Gunta (Peter Beitans), an all powerful nasty guy, is looking to procreate. We never really find out how he got to be all powerful. He just proclaims many times in a really awful German accent that he is and he’s surrounded by a bevy of ski mask-wearing henchmen, so we naturally assume that he must be as powerful as he claims. In any event, he’s decided he wants to extend the Gunta family name, but he’ll only allow a virgin to be the mother of his child. Good luck, H.G. Eventually, his desperate and bumbling henchmen — and aren’t they all? — abduct a woman whom they deem to be the perfect candidate: Sister Mary van Hootin (Nene Powell). Unbeknownst to them, however, the good Sister’s brother is none other than the Masked Avenger (Robin Brennan). A martial artist and super sleuth, our hero can track down any woman simply by taking a good sniff of her panties. Ew, right? Oh, but it gets better. Like Superman and his Kryptonite, the Masked Avenger has one critical weakness: every time he sees an attractive woman in a bikini, he has to stop and, er, well, his nickname is the “Masturbating Gunman,” so I’ll let you fill in the icky details. I wish this video was one eighth as much goofy fun as it sounds like it might be. Unfortunately, it’s not even close. Instead, Mark Savage’s feeble attempt at parody is as vile and gross as it is dumb and infantile. As if the generic fight choreography, dorky special effects and tediously unfunny dialogue weren’t bad enough, the viewer has to put up with the Masturbating Gunman sniffing panties and doing what his name implies on an entirely all too frequent basis. Savage isn’t crass enough to actually show anything — thank God! — but that’s not the point. The last thing a red-blooded male viewer wants to see, or for that matter, most females when you get right down to it, is the goofy-looking face of a goofy-looking guy in the thralls of auto-erotic bliss.
Finally, if you’re holding out hope that the name implies some drooler points for seeing scantily clad women, don’t hold your breath. With two notable exceptions, the Masturbating Gunman must be one pretty desperate dude if he responds to these utterly unalluring women. There’s a very fine line between parody and stupidity and “Masked Avenger vs. Ultra-Villain in the Lair of the Naked Bikini” crossed it shortly after the word “Ultra” in the title. This is as much of a waste of time as trying to figure out what a “naked bikini” is.
