by KJ Doughton
Film freaks familiar with Howard Stern will immediately acknowledge Mr. Skin as an epidermal expert of the first order. Indeed, this Sultan of Stark Naked Actresses orchestrates the web’s most popular celebrity nudity site (Mr. Skin.com), and through his numerous appearances on Stern’s radio show, the man has instructed fans of female flesh precisely how to find their favorite actresses in the buff.
His new book, “Mr. Skin’s Skincyclopedia,” is a video voyeur’s wet dream. After providing some confessional background information (he admits that before the advent of video, research was limited to “topless pygmies in National Geographic and the bra section of the JC Penny catalogue”), Mr. Skin blesses us with an exhaustive – yet surprisingly functional – rule rundown. For example, an actress appearance branded by “FFN” guarantees Full Frontal Nudity. “Nip-slip,” however, defines “momentary, usually accidental incident of a milk-spout spilling into view.”
After arming oneself with Mr. Skin’s well-presented legend of derriere-seeking do’s and don’ts, one can dive into the astounding array of entries – 2,005 in total. Obvious, commercial choices (Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry) dangle alongside the more obscure orbs of Corinne Clery (who, according to the author, boasts a “pair of subtly rounded chair cheeks” and “a splendidly dependent rack of perfectly paired pert and perky pleasure sacks”). His descriptions are worth their weight in breast implants. About Catherine Bell, Mr. Skin proclaims, “she bares that bad-a*s butt and just a bit of the side of her right bobbler” in 1992’s “Death Becomes Her.” To prove that he’s not partial to waifs, he also spotlights the portly profiles of Rosie O’Donnel (described as “a pork sausage in a hard-stretched black leather dominatrix get-up” in “Exit to Eden”), and Kathy Bates (whose “drippy droopers” and “flaccid fanny” filled the screen in “About Schmidt”).
Admittedly, this leeringly un-PC foray into stripped superstars isn’t for everyone, bound to raise the hackles of Gloria Steinem as assuredly as it stirs trouser snakes amongst legions of h***y young Maxim readers who will no doubt purchase “Skincyclopedia” in drooling droves. But even if you despise Mr. Skin and his single-minded pursuit of cinematic T&A sightings, you’ll have to admit that he truly loves his subject. Here is a guy sensitive enough to lament the sad fate of Russ Meyer legend Francesca “Kitten” Natavidad, informing readers of her struggle with breast cancer that led to a double mastectomy in 1999. Mr. Skin obviously doesn’t hate women.
In fact, he’s even compiled a “Mr. Skin’s Hall of Fame” for his favorite shapely screen sirens. Moores Julianne and Demi, Jennifer Connelly, Virginia Madsen, and Tanya Roberts are but a handful of the admiring author’s favorite femme fatales. And if you’re in a hurry to narrow your fave actresses’ nude scenes to one must-see flash of bodacious ta ta’s or scintillating seat meat, he’s equipped each entry with a definitive “SKIN-fining Moment.” For instance, the Skinmeister singles out “Full Body Massage” as the must-see pinnacle of Mimi Rogers’ career, gushing, “Ultimate milk-monster Mimi gets her jug-gantic Jolly Rogers worked over by Bryan Brown’s luckiest mitts in the history of the world.”
If Alfred Kinsey were alive today, he would likely shelve “Mr. Skin’s Skincyclopedia” proudly amongst his favorite anatomical textbooks and randy reference manuals. Meanwhile, Mr. Skin’s definitive mammary manifesto rises above similar guides, by prioritizing humor, wit, and exhaustive film history trivia at the same level as the massive mango-bombers, lung cushions, and torso tonnage that the author so obviously adores.
