"I NEED TO SLEEP, WHY WON'T YOU LET ME?"

I’ve brought this story up in conversations before (even in another blog entry right here) but it’s a story I’ll never forget.

The screening of Good Night and Good Luck I attended had about 7 people in the theater. One of them, sitting at the top row closest to the projector, snored the entire film. Since the theater was pitch black dark, and the snorer had on a dark outfit, none of us could spot him to shut him up.

I have a friend named John Singleton. Please, don’t confuse him with the Boyz in the Hood and 2 Fast 2 Furious John Singleton. The Singleton I know is a cracker. I can’t tell you how many movies I gone to with this guy where he ends up falling asleep – most of the time it happens right after the opening credits.

I took him to see Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and this dude was out like a light minutes after the title screen. This movie had so much going on in it, I can’t imagine one being bored enough to sleep with it. Another time, we saw Insomnia. Ironically, he was once again off to dreamland.

It’s no secret amongst my circle of friends that John is that guy who, like many young males, likes the Adult Entertainment a touch more than one normally should. I mean, he used to be really into it. This is the guy that could tell you who directed Enter My Love Tunnel 7: Garden Fisted without even thinking about it. John could probably even tell you who the key grip was too. He was that guy.

So I took him to see Kinsey, a film about a guy who loved to learn about various acts of sex, sexuality, masturbation, and habits. It was full of nudity, interesting sex stories, and good direction and writing to boot, that I thought he would have no problem staying awake for it. But I was wrong. His eyelids started crashing 17 minutes in.

The weird thing here is that he doesn’t fall asleep during every movie. He didn’t fall asleep during two Adam Sandler classics, 50 First Dates or Anger Management. He stayed awake during Unbreakable (which was even a test for myself) and Spartan. I’ve tried to figure out the pattern but I don’t know what it could be.

“Sometimes I’m just tired,” he tells me.

He is also one of those weird sleepers that try and pretend they are awake even though you clearly know they aren’t. For instance, if we were to see a comedy and laughter ensued, he open his eyes and let out a chuckle. He was clearly sleeping through the joke but he woke up and laughed anyway.

“I wasn’t sleeping dude, what are you talking about?”

Why are people so embarrassed to sleep? If you’re tired, go to bed. It’s a phenomenon that has perplexed my brain since I can remember. If you’re eyes are heavy, just pass out. It’s not like your friends are going to get pissed because you fell asleep during Mean Girls. It’s easier to make fun of someone laughing at a joke they didn’t hear than it is someone who just fell asleep.

If I had a theater, and someone fell asleep during a screening, one of the usher’s many job duties would be to walk around and hit sleeping theater patrons with a feces-sock (a sock filled with feces) to wake them up. That would teach them, wouldn’t it?