“Dude, have you ever seen Tommy Boy?” asked Fat Steve.
“Unfortunately,” I reply.
“What, you didn’t think that movie was funny?”
“No, I sure didn’t.”
Fat Steve then goes into a brief description of everything that was supposed to be funny about that film. I just stood there, not laughing at anything he described, and he looked at me like I was insane. I never found anything about that film funny. In fact, I’ve never found anything funny about Chris Farley. Not his Saturday Night Live schtick, not Black Sheep or Beverly Hills Ninja, nothing about this man was ever funny. I think it’s safe to say that Chris Farley was the probably the most un-funny person on the planet, outside of Pauly Shore or Adam Sandler.
If you are a Farley fan, think of all the stuff he ever did to make you laugh. Chippendales (pardon my spelling if that’s wrong)? Fat Guy in a Little Coat? I guess those things are funny, if you’re a complete idiot.
When I was in Vegas, for Cinevegas, I had the grave misfortune of seeing one of the worst movies I have ever been subjected to. I haven’t walked out of a film since 2001’s Rollerball. Almost 5 years of not walking out of movies. I was feeling pretty good. I mean, I didn’t walk out of War of the Worlds or Spider-man. But this one film was worse than both of those combined.
I grabbed a seat next to Mark Bell. The film started and, for the next 40 minutes anyway, there were fart jokes galore and fat people running in slow motion. At about the 20-minute mark, I leaned over to Bell and said, “Dude, I don’t think I can handle too much more of this.” 20 minutes later, I did it. I left the theater. The film in question you ask? Nacho Libre, a film structured around countless fart jokes (not one of them funny) and fat people (both kids and adults) wearing clothing designed to garner a laugh.
I don’t think fat people are funny. I don’t think fat people running in slow motion are funny. I don’t think Jack Black running in super slow motion with sweat pants so tight you can see his dong flop around is funny. I don’t think fat kids in tight clothing are funny. Nacho Libre is all of these things and then some. In the 40 minutes I saw of it anyways. My original plan actually was to write about how f*****g awful this film is but then Fat Steve brought up Farley.
When I first heard that Chris Farley died, I wasn’t really affected by it. I didn’t know the dude and he never made me laugh. The only thing that saddened me was an image of David Spade on the tube sapping because he just lost his good friend.
Chris Farley died of an overdose but I am willing to bet a dollar that the extra weight surrounding him only helped the situation. Farley loved making people laugh and people loved to laugh at him going crazy, throwing his fat body around, tearing clothes and breaking coffee tables. One thing Farley fans can never do, is tell me something he said or did that was funny that didn’t involve his weight.
Since Chris Farley loved making people laugh, and people only laughed at his weight, he wasn’t in a hurry to try and lose some of it. If he did, maybe he wouldn’t have been so depressed and maybe, he’d be alive today. But this is only a speculation, like many things in my life.
Who killed Chris Farley? You did. The guy with Tommy Boy on his DVD shelf. The guy with the SNL DVD with the “best of” Farley on it. Fat Steve did it. You killed him. And I hope it feels good.