Behold! The putrid, the overwhelmingly disappointing and the just plain god awful. These are our picks for the worst of 2005…
1. Chicken Little ^ An idea for Disney: maybe instead of stuffing your cartoon movies with nonsensical pop culture gags, contemporary pop music, and wacky characters, you could try…we don’t know…telling a DECENT F*****G STORY.
2. The Man ^ Farting nuns. That about sums it up.
3. Alone in the Dark ^ No “worst of” list would ever be complete without the inestimable Herr Doktor Uwe Boll. He doesn’t disappoint here, giving us not just one of the lousiest movies of 2005, but quite possibly one of the worst of all time. Though it’s almost worth renting just to see alleged anthropologist Tara Reid mispronounce “Newfoundland.”
4. Supercross ^ We have an idea for a sports movie: a plucky young protagonist with oodles of talent and the burning desire to win claws his/her way up from obscurity and ends up winning the big game and/or race while at the same time falling in love with that previously unobtainable attractive member of the opposite sex. Then, as they’re standing on the victory podium, a blind and uncaring god beyond our ability to comprehend casually drowns them in molten lava. Why? Because when you’ve made a film about supercross, it means sports movies are dead.
5. The Ringer ^ We have met the retards, and they are the Farrelly brothers and everyone involved in making this movie.
6. Aeon Flux ^ Charlize Theron was apparently worried that her credibility was getting a little too overwhelming after “Monster” and “North Country.”
7. Fantastic Four ^ What happens when you take 5 crappy actors, one bad director and 20 drafts of a script to make a movie? F4 is what happens.
8. The Dukes of Hazzard ^ The only good thing you can say about this movie is that it didn’t feature a cameo by Larry the Cable Guy, because that might’ve sent audiences with a cumulative IQ over 75 into a homicidal rampage that ended with the burning down of Cracker Barrels across our once proud nation.
9. Kicking & Screaming ^ A prophetic title, as it describes the only fashion in which anyone should be taken to see this ham-handed and humorless piece of s**t.
10. Land of the Dead ^ Romero fans worldwide are still in denial over how utterly craptastic this film really is. And you can bet your a*s, if this same exact movie had been made by anyone else, it would have been completely ignored. What a waste.
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